Finding God

Being raised in a Christian home, I grew up with an understanding of God. I knew He was there and though I thumbed my nose at Him during my teenage years and into part of my college experience, I had been raised to believe that life was sacred and that I was the daughter of the Creator of Heaven and earth. I always had that faith to fall back on, and to come back to when I wandered off the beaten path and tried to control my own destiny. My faith was easy for me - I believed wholeheartedly that Jesus was the Son of God and that He had died for my sins. Case closed. I never expected my faith to be so shaken years later, that I would question the reality of everything I had believed to be true.

The death of my infant son, Drew, was so searingly painful and shockingly unexpected that it took my breath away. In the weeks and months following his death, I found myself seriously questioning the reality of Christ - and who he claimed to be. I never expected to lose a child - it's not something I had ever prepared myself to endure - no one in their right mind WOULD make those kinds of preparations.. But like any parent whose child is suddenly gone - I had an intense desire to find him. Yes, I knew he had died.. I had held his lifeless body just moments after he took his last breath...But where was he? How could I be certain that he was with Jesus? How could I be sure that he was in Heaven..and that Heaven wasn't just a nice idea I had kept in my head, a Christian "crutch" on which to rest comfortably? As a mother with achingly empty arms, my heart physically throbbed with pain as I searched, questioned and cried out to this God that I was sure had only been a figment of my imagination.

I shared my struggle with very few people, putting on a brave face and reciting scriptures to people when they asked how I was making it through such a horrendous loss. Never before had I felt such an intense desire to know the facts, the details - the hard evidence for what I had believed. I remembered a verse that I had often heard recited in Sunday school growing up..

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I openly told God aloud that I would be testing His claim, that I planned to investigate my faith and truly look for God. If He was real, then He would be found as his Word had said..and if He wasn't, well - I would know for certain then. I pored over the Bible - writing down scriptures that brought comfort and meditating on words that directly pierced my heart.. but I also went out and purchased this..

I was intrigued that The Case for Christ was written by a professed atheist, who set out to disprove Christianity after his wife became a Christian. His work as an investigative journalist for the Chicago Tribune gave him the knowledge to attack the Bible as he would a court case - taking it apart piece by piece. I picked it up and was astonished at what I found. (By the way, there is a compelling 1 hour documentary based on this book as well, which is EXCELLENT if you would rather watch than read..) The evidence laid out in this book (and the documentary) was shocking to me. I always thought that I had truly believed before - but I didn't. I think that before all of this, God was a wonderful idea to me. I liked having Him in my life to help guide and direct my paths.. but I hadn't grasped the FULL REALITY of Him. It wasn't until my precious baby took his last breath that I seriously began my own personal quest to find God and in doing so, find Drew.

As much as the hard facts and evidence helped to strengthen my faith and make Jesus Christ a reality in my everyday life - I found that God DID keep His end of the deal and draw closer to me than ever before..

"If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:3-5

Had my son not died, I don't believe I would have begun my quest for answers as I had. Of course, I miss him terribly and want to hold him and watch him grow. But through his death, I not only have gained a deeply profound relationship with Jesus that I never experienced before - but I now have HOPE and JOY that I've never known before... I know with 100% certainty that we are all part of the greatest story ever told - that this is the dress rehearsal before the big performance ~ and that I will get to spend all of eternity with that little boy who took a piece of my heart with him when he left this earth..

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." -C.S. Lewis

If you are searching for the meaning of life, for your own purpose or why you're here.. and if you're like me and need hard facts and historical evidence to help solidify the claims of Christianity, I would seriously encourage you to watch the documentary or read The Case for Christ, look at the evidence laid out before you and decide for yourself. Of course, you could always take God at His word and seek Him... you will be surprised by what you find!!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; those who seek find; and to those who knock, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8