The Grateful Ones

Kari Jobe - Find You On My Knees

2012-01-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

Sweet Tooth

2012-01-14T09:59:00.001-08:00

Samantha enjoying her first famous Richard family oatmeal chocolate chip cookie.. And the aftermath!

Family photo shoot ~ 2011

2011-12-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

It's finally time to update our family portrait over our fireplace. This year, I went with our good friend Mindy Newton and was so so pleased with the results. Head on over to her website to check her out!

We had too many good shots to choose from, but here are a few of our favorites..

This will be our new one over our fireplace, LOVE IT!

Two blue eyed babes sandwiching the brown eyed boy

My all time favorite

Me and my honey

Last pic of the day and she was D-O-N-E, but I just love this one!

My sweet fam

Just us girls :)

Perspective

2011-12-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday and I'm wading through piles and piles of laundry accumulated during last night's hourly barf fest courtesy of my 3 year old. What's more ironic is that last night just after the last child had closed their eyes, Mike and I sat down on the couch and I said aloud how nice it was to have all the laundry done, the house cleaned and the children in bed. About 30 seconds after that comment we heard the wretching screams of a vomiting child and ran upstairs to confirm our fears. And so, we partied hourly throughout the night. Blah.

As much as I abhor cleaning up vomit and trying to keep sick kids isolated - God has used this time to remind me to THANK Him. Yes, even in vomit stained pj's..Thank Him - even on 2 hours sleep. Yes, Thank Him - when the sick child purposely spits in the healthy baby's face. Yes, THANK HIM.. Do I sound crazy yet? Let me encourage you that this is how we're supposed to react to life's inconveniences. Sure, they are annoying and cause us to groan. But how can we be truly thankful in times where things go outside of our own plans?

Just Monday I had the honor of meeting an incredible woman. A mother of three, like myself. However, this mom of three cannot hold her sick child. When her child vomits, she has to put on a mask and go in another room - or she'll likely be hospitalized. That's what happened the last few times her kids got sick - she caught it and landed in the hospital. In fact, she spent most of this last October hospitalized. At only 37 years old, this mom - no different than you or I - was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her chances of survival are slim according to the doctors. In her words, she needs a miracle. As we talked, her eyes filled with tears as she pointed out the 60+ young moms filling the room, "I was just like all of you," she told my friend and I. "A busy stay at home mom of three kids...And I'll never be that carefree again." I felt like I had been punched in the gut - and was instantly convicted of all of the stupid complaints I make..I never have enough time, the kids never pick up after themselves, I'm in my car more than I am my house etc. etc. etc.. all are so disgustingly petty and irrelevant in the face of this sweet woman's REAL life gripping issue.

So this morning, as I hold my sick boy and wade through vomit - I am painfully aware that I am blessed, so blessed to be able to care for my child and comfort him in his sickness...THIS is a gift, if we choose to see it that way. I know Angela would give anything to be able to do the same..Please remember my new friend in your prayers and count your blessings TODAY, NOW, wherever you are, for EVERYTHING you have and EVERY circumstance you find yourself in at this very moment. Someone else would give anything to trade places with you.

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

2011-10-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Thankful..

2011-10-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

We had a crazy fun weekend around here. On Saturday, J had a double header with the first soccer game at 10am and the second at 5pm about 30 minutes from home. In between the games (which he ROCKED, by the way!) He made two header goals (For all you non-soccer fams out there, that means he actually made a goal by hitting the ball with his head!) and got nice and dirty. In between games, Mike and I thought it would be a fantastic idea to go clothes shopping for the kids..and WITH the kids. That was a painful event, with one 8 month old who was darn tired of sitting in her stroller and a 3 year old who desperately needed a nap while the 11 year old got veeery brand specific on us and had us running from store to store to look for the perfect outfits. We ended up having to leave before we were done because we were time crunched and he was super super picky. I thought only teenage girls acted like this! With this child, I find myself caught between getting irritated and trying to explain to him that his friends won't really be checking the tag on his skinny jeans for the brand, and also remembering what it's like to be in middle school and how I felt about what I wore. I digress...

Sunday, we were up with the sun thanks to one cute lil' baby girl - and then off for church and some fun up at Apple Hill. We head up there every Fall to pick apples, pick out pumpkins and enjoy all of the fun Fall festivities.. the kids especially look forward to warm apple donuts every year. This year, my incredible husband packed a picnic lunch for the family. We had lots of goodies and enjoyed our time together. Mike and I were talking about how we strive to make little trips like this - little memories for the kids to look back on when they're older. We want our kids to have traditions that they remember doing every year, like going to Apple Hill in the Fall or cutting down our Christmas tree after Thanksgiving.. playing cards together or having hot chocolate after school on rainy days. But this time we were laughing because of the simple struggle of getting to where we were going - dealing with the baby crying and the toddler screaming..sibling spats and missed exits off of the freeway... we parents work so hard to make sure our kids have these memories - and I saw so many other parents out there doing the same thing. It's so easy to get flustered in those little moments and to forget the big picture.. but it's all worth it. Every moment - even if you do have to clean up a diaper explosion in the backseat of your car. Mike and I regularly laugh in the middle of these moments and remind each other that SOMEDAY we will miss this and we'll retell the stories of when our kids were small.. and beg our adult children to let us come to Apple Hill with them and the grand kids for the day..

TODAY I am thankful for..

Brief moments of perspective - of seeing the bigger picture rather than getting wrapped up in the little messes of the day

Baby giggles and coos

Picnics in Apple Hill

Brothers loving on baby sister and each other

Children who openly praise Jesus

A husband who loves me even when I'm lacking sleep, makeup and sanity

Fires in the fireplace all day long

Sweaters, boots and coffee

Breakfast with friends

Baking sweet treats

New friends that strengthen and challenge my faith in Christ

Neighbors who love my kids as their own

HAPPY FALL Y'ALL!!

Beaches!

2011-09-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

I've been falling behind on blog updates! Somehow Facebook is just much easier to maintain. I don't have to get too wordy and can leave a quick blurb or photo using my handy dandy iphone. Not so simple with Blogger.. well, actually, I've heard you CAN update your blog from your phone but I'd rather not venture in that direction because then I would have a million typos!

With this new role of sahm, I really thought I'd have more time to blog, clean, run, sleep.. {fill in the blank} .. but much to my horror, I actually have LESS time. This is hands down the hardest job I have ever had. Back breaking work, I tell ya! That's another post for another time.. ha, yeah right, as if I have TIME. Maybe when Samantha can entertain herself for more than 30 seconds!

In July we took a trip to San Diego for Jackson's soccer tournament. We ended up staying the rest of the week in Capistrano Beach..with a stop in Bass Lake on the way back..

Road Trip!!

Jackson receiving his medal after their team won the Albion Tournament in SD

Phillips girls at Capistrano Beach

Toes in the sand


Laguna Beach

San Clemente

Sand castle time!

Me and my little buddy

Corona Del Mar

Time to upgrade to a bigger car!!

Bass Lake (we stayed there on our way home to break up the drive)

Cool kid

Lane Change

2011-09-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

I've traded in my suits for spit up on my shoulder, my 6am international conference calls for 5am feedings, coffee breaks with colleagues for one cup that I'm constantly reheating as I manage the chaos of the morning...

Oh, but is it ever worth it.

I actually never thought I'd do this. In fact, this was simply supposed to be a trial, since I was soooo sure I'd absolutely hate it..which I did, at first. {Keeping it real here, k?} There were many days that I called Mike and threatened - no, promised - that I'd be back in the office by the following Monday morning. But then I'd see this..

Or catch Christian "doing Jackson's hair"..

Or see my sweet baby yawn..

Or pick Jackson up from school to see the fun surprise they passed out to the boys in the health class..

I'd picnic at the park for lunch..

And catch my 3 year old nursing his Mickey Mouse doll with my own nursing pillow..

And then it hit me.. all of these moments I am getting to witness are going to be gone before I know it.. and I don't want to let go.. not yet, not now. So much to the surprise of both myself and EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON.WHO.TRULY.KNOWS.ME: I am really enjoying this whole stay at home mom business. It's not at all what I thought I would be doing right now, but man, I really love it. It's crazy hard - much more difficult than I ever cared to realize before - but so gratifying. I don't get breaks, or uninterrupted phone calls. Heck, I'm lucky if I get to eat lunch without a 20lb baby on top of me - but I'm loving this season of my life and am so grateful to God for blessing me with the ability to slow down and savor these moments.. because before I know it, they'll be gone.

C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

2011-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorite authors - and great thinkers - is C.S. Lewis..hence I love this song to pieces!!

Happy Birthday to Jackson!!

2011-06-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

Eleven years ago today, I sat in a hospital bed at the ripe age of 19 - holding my new baby boy and trembling with fear over the realization of the incredible responsibility I now held. Jackson William came into my life unexpectedly - but when I turned my life back over to God, He held my hand and led me through the dark as I held onto my precious babe, not knowing what awaited us around the corner but trusting in the Almighty to work all things together for our good. (Romans 8:28)

As I look back over the past 11 years, I am overcome with emotion at just how evident God's hand has been in mine and Jackson's lives. When I recommitted my life to Christ as a scared, single mother - He asked that I put my complete trust in Him, and I did. I can now see His faithfulness to us over the years, and His undeserved grace and goodness in my life.

Thank you Lord, for rescuing me from the pit of my own self destruction and for showering me with grace and kindness beyond comprehension. Thank you for my dear son Jackson and for what a powerful reminder he is to me of your faithfulness!

“Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3:17-19 NLT

Finding God

2011-05-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

Being raised in a Christian home, I grew up with an understanding of God. I knew He was there and though I thumbed my nose at Him during my teenage years and into part of my college experience, I had been raised to believe that life was sacred and that I was the daughter of the Creator of Heaven and earth. I always had that faith to fall back on, and to come back to when I wandered off the beaten path and tried to control my own destiny. My faith was easy for me - I believed wholeheartedly that Jesus was the Son of God and that He had died for my sins. Case closed. I never expected my faith to be so shaken years later, that I would question the reality of everything I had believed to be true.

The death of my infant son, Drew, was so searingly painful and shockingly unexpected that it took my breath away. In the weeks and months following his death, I found myself seriously questioning the reality of Christ - and who he claimed to be. I never expected to lose a child - it's not something I had ever prepared myself to endure - no one in their right mind WOULD make those kinds of preparations.. But like any parent whose child is suddenly gone - I had an intense desire to find him. Yes, I knew he had died.. I had held his lifeless body just moments after he took his last breath...But where was he? How could I be certain that he was with Jesus? How could I be sure that he was in Heaven..and that Heaven wasn't just a nice idea I had kept in my head, a Christian "crutch" on which to rest comfortably? As a mother with achingly empty arms, my heart physically throbbed with pain as I searched, questioned and cried out to this God that I was sure had only been a figment of my imagination.

I shared my struggle with very few people, putting on a brave face and reciting scriptures to people when they asked how I was making it through such a horrendous loss. Never before had I felt such an intense desire to know the facts, the details - the hard evidence for what I had believed. I remembered a verse that I had often heard recited in Sunday school growing up..

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I openly told God aloud that I would be testing His claim, that I planned to investigate my faith and truly look for God. If He was real, then He would be found as his Word had said..and if He wasn't, well - I would know for certain then. I pored over the Bible - writing down scriptures that brought comfort and meditating on words that directly pierced my heart.. but I also went out and purchased this..

I was intrigued that The Case for Christ was written by a professed atheist, who set out to disprove Christianity after his wife became a Christian. His work as an investigative journalist for the Chicago Tribune gave him the knowledge to attack the Bible as he would a court case - taking it apart piece by piece. I picked it up and was astonished at what I found. (By the way, there is a compelling 1 hour documentary based on this book as well, which is EXCELLENT if you would rather watch than read..) The evidence laid out in this book (and the documentary) was shocking to me. I always thought that I had truly believed before - but I didn't. I think that before all of this, God was a wonderful idea to me. I liked having Him in my life to help guide and direct my paths.. but I hadn't grasped the FULL REALITY of Him. It wasn't until my precious baby took his last breath that I seriously began my own personal quest to find God and in doing so, find Drew.

As much as the hard facts and evidence helped to strengthen my faith and make Jesus Christ a reality in my everyday life - I found that God DID keep His end of the deal and draw closer to me than ever before..

"If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:3-5

Had my son not died, I don't believe I would have begun my quest for answers as I had. Of course, I miss him terribly and want to hold him and watch him grow. But through his death, I not only have gained a deeply profound relationship with Jesus that I never experienced before - but I now have HOPE and JOY that I've never known before... I know with 100% certainty that we are all part of the greatest story ever told - that this is the dress rehearsal before the big performance ~ and that I will get to spend all of eternity with that little boy who took a piece of my heart with him when he left this earth..

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." -C.S. Lewis

If you are searching for the meaning of life, for your own purpose or why you're here.. and if you're like me and need hard facts and historical evidence to help solidify the claims of Christianity, I would seriously encourage you to watch the documentary or read The Case for Christ, look at the evidence laid out before you and decide for yourself. Of course, you could always take God at His word and seek Him... you will be surprised by what you find!!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; those who seek find; and to those who knock, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

4 Years Later..

2011-04-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

I recently read an excerpt from the book "Visions, Trips and Crowded Rooms" by renowned thanatologist David Kessler. After spending time with my Grandmother before she died and having conversations with her about who was also in the room that had died long before (i.e. she mentioned her parents were there with flowers for her, and she was so genuinely surprised because "they had never brought her flowers before."), I've been very interested in hearing others' stories. We had many moments like this before she died, and so I've always been intrigued by the topic. In Kessler's book, he details the common traits between these "deathbed visions" that remain the same no matter what religion, culture or country the dying person is from. I find this stuff absolutely fascinating. One thing in particular that really stood out to me is that the dying person is visited by their mother (or in many cases their maternal guardian)..

"Moreover, the visions people experience at the end of life are remarkably similar. For example, the dying are most often visited by a mother or mother figure. It shouldn't be too surprising that the person who is actually present as we cross the threshold of life and take our first breath once again appears at the threshold as we take our last breath."

I find this so interesting and such a testament to the powerful bond between a mother and her child. Of course if God gave me the privilege of being present when one of my children lay dying, I would be there in a second - welcoming them into eternity. These thoughts are very comforting to me and a powerful reminder that this life is not it - that there is more beyond the grave. I look forward to the day when I cross over the threshold and see my dad, my grandma, my friend who just passed this week and especially my dear baby boy Drew who would be 4 years old today..

To my sweet baby Drew,

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you - or look into your siblings' eyes and see glimpses of the boy I held for a short moment. Today I am thankful for the chance to have carried you for nine months - to have brought you into this world on that stormy day and held you for a very short 15 minutes before holding your lifeless body the next day. I know that there is more - I know that you're waiting for me and that our bond is stronger than the grave can hold. I know that I'll hold you again in heaven..

Happy Birthday, sweet boy. You are sorely missed and never forgotten.

Love, Mom

A New Season

2011-03-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Being home for the last several weeks, I have had in my mind what the perfect homemaker is - and have measured myself by that standard. I have cleaned my home from top to bottom, made sure that meals were hot and ready for little boys coming home from soccer practice and for the man I love so much who had worked hard all day long. This was all fine and good until the baby came - and then keeping up with my own expectations of myself brought me to constant defeat at the end of every day. Defeat over things that often took a backseat when I was at work anyway - did I dust the shutters, vacuum the stairs, organize the play room? Were the bathrooms clean and the floors mopped? It didn't matter that the house was generally picked up and cleaned - I wanted a deep clean, not a speck or spot to be found.. and stopping to nurse my precious babe only caused my anxiety to creep as I made more to-do lists on my iPhone. I hit a wall yesterday and called a friend, upset and feeling like a failure..

"You just had a baby!" she encouraged me. "You need to adapt to the third little one before trying to be June Cleaver on top of it all. Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy your time with your children and LET GO."

I am learning to let go, to trust God and to enjoy this season of my life on purpose. My default mode is very task oriented, I am not very good at simply relaxing and enjoying the chaos around me unless everything is in it's place.. and by then the sun is setting and all of my babies are getting ready for bed. Another day wasted, opportunities missed.

God, help me to see this life through your eyes - to truly enjoy my precious babies now before they're gone. To enjoy being with them and to fully immerse myself in my moments with them as their mom. Thank you that your grace is enough and that you've given me all that I need to make it through this day..joyfully.

"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." -Jim Elliot

Samantha Grace

2011-03-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Brenda Bisharat for capturing such a sacred and joyful moment for our family!!

"But I thought #4 was supposed to WALK out..?"

2011-02-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

As I have mentioned before on this very blog, my doctor had sworn up and down that I was destined to have a January baby even though my due date was Feb 9th. Christian was born at 38 weeks, so he expected that this pregnancy would follow suit. The final week of January was PAINFUL for me - no, not physically - the waiting made me emotionally CRAZY! And here I was, still 2 weeks out from my actual due date. Unfair. I had my regularly scheduled appointment that Thursday, and my doctor continued to say "This is your weekend! I know it! I'll see you this weekend!" Rather than being excited by his comments, I was frustrated. I told him he had to stop saying that to me because I was getting my hopes up. He smiled and repeated "See you this weekend!" :-/

Saturday morning I awoke to regular contractions that felt like strong menstrual cramps. After an hour or so, I headed into L&D at around 4:30am. (Side note: With Christian, I had regular cramping for an hour and then arrived at the hospital dilated to 5 cm, so I was nervous that I'd have this baby on the side of the road if I waited TOO long, being that she was #4 and all) Well, I arrive at the hospital and they check me........2 freaking centimeters. I was really embarrassed, pretty much embarrassed to tears being that this was my 4th. I shouldn't have made such a rookie move! So, my doctor arrived and, positive that he would see me in full labor within the weekend, he said "See you tomorrow!" ... to which I replied "Ugh."

I went home annoyed and resigned to the fact that my little girl would not be coming for at least another week. On Monday at 2am I began to feel very strong and regular contractions. They were about 15 minutes apart, but felt much different than the ones I'd experienced just days earlier. I knew that this was the real deal, but I neeeeeeded to wait until they were closer together. I continued to labor on into the morning, waiting for them to get more painful. I finally called my doctor around 1pm and told him what was going on. They weren't unbearable, but they were consistently 5 minutes apart. He told me to wait until they were about 3 minutes apart and stronger - but cautioned me not to wait too long since this was number 4 and I was a good 45 minutes from the hospital. I called Mike and let him know - made sure I was extra purty for my labor experience ... hey, we had none other than the best photographer this side of the California state line arriving to document the birth. I had to look decent. Anyway, I'm getting off track. The contractions did pick up and Mike picked up Jackson from school (The plan was for Jackson to witness the birth) and came home to get me. My mother in law came to hang with the toddler while Mike, Jackson and I headed back to the dreaded L&D triage.
We arrived in triage, got checked and told I was 3 centimeters. After talking to my doctor, the nurse told me to go walk for 2 hours to kick my labor into high gear. The three of us strolled - no, power walked - through East Sac and actually had a really good time laughing and talking. By the end of the walk, my contractions were so painful I could barely breathe through them. We headed back to the hospital and the nurse checked me. 3.5 cm. She stripped my membranes and waited for the doctor to come see me. Of course, her little trick caused my contractions to become nearly unbearable. My doctor came in and decided I needed to rest. He gave me some muscle relaxer that would allow me to sleep for a few hours before coming back to have the baby. I was in so much pain I was crying as we left the hospital.

Let me stop here and issue a public apology to all of the mothers I have mocked for having "painful" contractions and being sent home from the hospital. I truly thought they must not be painful if you are being sent home. I was in excruciating pain and was sent home to rest. Really - they wanted me as close to 39 weeks as possible. I would have been 39 weeks in 2 days. 2 days people! Does that merit a muscle relaxer? I don't think so. But, I digress.

So, we went to the car. Stopping during contractions to cry and [not] breathe. I called my nurse practitioner friends and asked them about the drug I had been given. They explained that the drug would not stop labor, it would slow it and allow me to rest. They (and my doctor) had all said I would be back before the sun came up and to go home and get straight in bed. With this in mind, Mike arranged for Christian to stay the night at Nana's while we (Mike, Jackson and I) went home and straight to bed. The drug was the weirdest thing I have ever taken. Truly. (Wasn't a big experimenter in high school ;) ) I could feel the painful contractions - I was aware of them - but I was sleeping in between them... like a deep sleep. I may have seen pink elephants and lucy in the sky with diamonds, but I can neither confirm or deny that. At 1am I felt a small gush between my legs and figured my water had broken and it was game time. I headed to turn on the shower before going to the loo. When I sat down on said loo, I saw BRIGHT RED BLOOD running down my legs and all over the toilet seat and floor. Not good. A million possibilities were running through my mind. I didn't know if I was at 10 cm or if I had a placental abruption..but I was scared. I immediately turned off the shower and screamed for Mike and Jackson to get up - that we had to leave immediately. We rushed out the door and I called the hospital and my doctor on the way. My doctor asked me if I remembered where my placenta had been located in my previous ultrasound - THE NORMAL LOCATION, I told him.

We got to the hospital and I was a hot mess. The security guard threw me into a wheel chair after seeing me squat and cry during a contraction. Mike raced down the hall with the wheelchair and we arrived at L&D AGAIN. (Seriously embarrassing to be THAT patient that keeps coming back.) They lead me into a room, checked me and let me know that my bleeding was simply "bloody show." I told them I have NEVER heard of bloody show that runs down your leg, but they laughed me off. The icing on the cake? I was STILL 3.5 centimeters. The nurse told me I'd probably be going back home and left to call my doctor.

It was at this moment in time that I became my husband's (and probably every man's) worst nightmare. I was exhausted, in pain and just plain miserable. The words I said at this point cannot be repeated - I've repented and we'll just leave it at that, mmkay?

The nurse came back in and said I could stay or go home, up to me. (Oh - btw - my mom arrived to take Jackson home with her to sleep until I had progressed, so NO, he didn't witness my exorcist moment as [not] described above.) I stayed for about an hour or so before deciding I was so miserable and just wanted to sleep, and let my poor husband sleep too. I told her I wanted to go home, so she discharged me and offered me that lovely pill again. I said no but about halfway to the elevator my husband convinced me that I would need at least a half dose of the pill to sleep. So I waddled back to the nurse to tell her I changed my mind. She had to call my doctor to order the medicine. I squatted at her desk in pain while she spoke with him, and he was MAD at her. He apparently never said to send me home, he ordered me to a room to sleep and got on the phone with me to tell me I was not going home just to turn around and come back. I did get to take a half dose of the pill and the nurse pulled in a pull out bed for Mike to sleep on and let us sleep until 9am. BLISS (well, minus the contractions)..

We woke up and the pill had slowed my labor so the doctor said to go walk for one hour and THEN he'd check me. I told him under no circumstances would I walk and get my contractions all super painful only to be sent home again. He PROMISED he was not sending me home this time. So, we walked - had breakfast - and came back to get checked at 4 centimeters. Praise the Lord, they admitted me to the hospital and FINALLY let me leave the triage purgatory I'd been confined to.

My doctor joked that this was the longest labor for a fourth child that he had ever seen. Ha. Ha. Ha. :-/

Once in my new room, I went and labored in a hot shower for awhile before calling my boyfriend the anesthesiologist to come dope me up. He gave me a walking epidural which was great. I could still walk around and not have to endure the same pain I'd gone through for DAYS. By 7 cm - that walking epidural wasn't so hot anymore - so we paged that angel for another cocktail - but I ended up having him come back again within 10 minutes..throwing myself into a full on epidural. My doctor came in at about 7pm or so and said I was at 10 cm, but that he wanted me to "labor down" for an hour. So, I hung out and visited with my husband, Jackson and Brenda (wonderful family photographer) while little Miss. Phillips moved on down the birth canal on her own.

Once my doctor came in, I pushed for maybe 15 minutes (if that) and she was born! My doctor had me actually pull her out - which sounds crazy - but it was the coolest experience! Though this was by far the longest and most painful labor experience I've ever endured, the actual birth was the the most calm and incredible experience I have ever had. I just wanted to relive it right after it happened. My doctor was incredibly patient and took his time easing her out - the laboring down really helped as well. When I reached down to lift her to my chest, I locked eyes with her and a wave of emotion overtook me to finally see and hold my little girl. The first thing I noticed was how she did not look like her brothers - she definitely had her own look to her. Of course, I wanted to know she was fine, and because of our experience with Drew, we had a NICU team in the room to confirm that she was healthy. They gave us the thumbs up and left us to bond with our precious angel. I looked over at Jackson, who stayed next to my head for the birth - and his eyes filled with tears.

"What did you think, buddy? Are you ok?" I asked him.
He nodded and said "I don't know what I am feeling. That was overwhelming .. it was amazing!" and he broke into tears.

I thought his description was spot on - the miracle of birth is something that is so overwhelming and amazing - it cannot be captured with words or descriptions - because it's created by God, and is such a beautifully holy and intense moment to witness. Brenda is putting together a video that I will share on the blog once it's available.. but I truly wish I could relive her birth over and over again. It was such a powerful and life changing experience. I absolutely love my little Samantha Grace - my little piece of heaven to add to my other two rambunctious blessings Jackson & Christian.. We are blessed beyond comprehension!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:17

BLESSED!

2011-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the sounds of morning.. Jackson waking to ask me 45 times if he *really* has to go to school, Christian screaming that he needs to wear the "soccer shirt" - which is really a football shirt that he wears nearly every day. Mike trying to shave and get ready and help me with the older kids so I can make up for SOME amount of sleep lost through the night time feedings with little Samantha. And Samantha? She sleeps soundly through it all. Ironic, isn't it? Truly though, she is a pretty darn good baby. I know people don't like that phrase - "good baby," as it implies that there is a such thing as a "bad baby." Let me say this, she is an EASY baby - not difficult like a certain child who roams this house now.. She seems to be very laid back and goes with the flow, UNLESS I take too long to get her latched on to feed or change her diaper while she's hungry - she is pretty happy overall, which is SUCH a blessing for a mama with a very active toddler and 10 year old!

Christian is adjusting well. The first days home were difficult. On our ride home from the hospital I was sandwiched between Christian and Samantha's car seats and quickly realized that Christian was coming down with a cold. He was gripping my left arm and wiping his nose on it, while I steadied Samantha's wobbly head with my right hand. The realization that he was getting sick really kicked my out of control hormones into high gear and I began to cry. Mike was looking at me in the rear view mirror as though he had a ticking time bomb in the backseat. I told him how overwhelmed I felt and HOW IN THE WORLD would I keep Christian away from the baby and still be a good mom to him? Once we arrived home and I came inside, the reality of keeping a house in order and managing 3 kids and a dog further overwhelmed me and I broke into full on "ugly cry." Poor Mike.
Thankfully, I've since recovered - life hasn't ended - and I feel like I am finally getting into a routine of some sort. I am no longer breaking into "ugly cry" though I suppose that could creep up on me at any given moment, so I won't get too proud about that. For now, I am thankful - overwhelmed MOST of the time - and threatening my toddler with time outs on a minute by minute basis - but I am happy and feel so so blessed!

Knowing that Samantha is my last baby, I have really been savoring my moments with her. Holding her tiny head close to my cheek and breathing in that sweet newborn smell, sometimes mixed with the aroma of sour milk and spit up :). I have been studying her features, intentionally committing to memory the curve of her tiny ears, her silky newborn skin, her soft hair and the tiny sighs and snores she makes. She is pure heaven, and I get teary thinking that the time is passing too quickly. Yes, I know she's only 2 weeks old but I also know that I will blink and she'll change - these days go by so so fast and I know that all too soon, I will be sleeping again, she will be in her own crib and these newborn days will be a memory. Ugh, I am making myself sad. Either way, this little girl is such a precious, precious gift and I am in awe of a God who loves me so much that he would bless me so abundantly. My cup is overflowing for sure, and my heart feels so full it could burst!

Labor story to follow, Heidi!! :)

Welcome Samantha Grace!!

2011-02-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Samantha Grace is here! She was born early last week weighing 7lb 5oz and 18" long. She is an absolute love and a very laid back and easy baby. (Thank you Lord!) More details to come once I have TIME to sit and write.. as for now, I am juggling a wild 2 year old and my brand new baby girl :)

A Cup Overflowing

2011-01-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

I'm still here, and I'm still pregnant! I really thought I'd have my baby girl here by now, but she's sitting tight. My doctor had said because I had Christian 2 weeks early, that the chances of going as early with this little one is greater than 95%. So - we've all been planning on a January baby all along, though my true due date is February 9th. With about one week left in January, I am feeling anxious and finally ready for her to come already! I've had my baby shower (which was beautiful and I need to get some pics from my girlfriends to be able to share - but really, these girls make Martha Stewart look bad! That's how good they are!), I've gotten my hair cut and colored, I went and got a pedicure, I've washed all of the cute pink, purple and girly things and have carefully put each thing away neatly. Now I'm just waiting.. I've used my spare time to sit at Borders and read with a mocha and NO KIDS (boy, was that blissful!) - I've cleaned my house from top to bottom several times - I've gone to breakfast with my girlfriends and to the park with my boys and I am seriously running out of ideas..if that's possible! I think if I haven't popped by tomorrow, I may go and use a massage gift certificate that I've had for awhile but haven't taken the chance to use. If you're wondering how I have time to do this with a 10 year old and a 2 year old - well, the 10 year old is in school and the 2 year old is in a preschool class just two days a week for 4 hours at a time. We considered taking him out but decided that he loves the social interaction so much and it will give me and the baby some alone time while providing him more of an outlet for all of that toddler energy! So until little miss arrives, I have two mornings a week to myself. I can't even believe it. It's like a dream. Haha :)

While I wait, I am still counting my blessings - thankful for each and every moment ... and trying to look at the good in situations where it can be difficult to see beyond the momentary frustrations (i.e. - toddler temper tantrums, and 85 lb "puppy" accidents in the house..I digress) Those moments are honing my patience, that's for sure! :)

Today, I am grateful for..

Quiet moments alone to think, pray, read and just plain rest!
Extra time and energy to clean my house - and thankful to even have a house to clean, for that matter!
My beautiful friends and their efforts to make my baby shower so special for me
Warm bubble baths
New friendships
The joy of seeing the world through the eyes of my children
Foot massages
Whispers in the dark
A nursery in waiting
Holding my brand new nephew and reveling in the wonder of new life. Is there any greater joy on this earth than a new baby? I truly do not think so.
Sunshine in January - 60 degrees and short sleeved shirts
The dog who tests my patience daily - but makes me laugh when I re-tell his puppy stories to my friends
My wonderful husband and his tenacity and passion in all that he does.
My step father who is building a home in Kenya for a local pastor right now - and how his faith challenges my own. Click here for more information.

One, Two, Three...

2011-01-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

As I approach my 9th month of pregnancy at what seems like rapid speed, I am a huge ball of emotions. I am excited to meet my little girl and at the same time soooo NOT ready to handle a newborn AND a toddler at once. Especially not while Mike's at work and Jackson's at school. I am terrified. However, on the other hand, I do realize that I am not the first woman to ever go through this and that most make it work just fine. It's just finding that "new normal" and learning to adjust.

Over the last couple weeks since Christmas, our house has been a flurry of activity in preparing for our new little one. Jackson and Christian both moved rooms - Christian inherited all of Jackson's old furniture and Jackson's new furniture required lots of assembling (thanks to my amazing husband). Baby girl will be taking over Christian's old room as well. We've been so focused on getting the boys situated in their new spaces that really - the only thing I've done in the baby's room is to put her bedding on the crib and wash her clothes. Christian's first night in his big boy bed was exciting, and he slept in there all night. By 7am the next day, Mike and I were awakened to the sound of hell being unearthed as we heard shrill screams and cries that could only be those of my angry 2 year old. I covered my head with the blankets, refusing to leave the bed while Mike went to check out the situation. (Mind you, I KNEW he was not in any sort of physical pain - I know the cries of this little guy and this was an all out temper tantrum. A blanket over my head is my coping mechanism, don't judge me ;) ) So, Mike walked into the baby's room to find Christian up on the side of the crib peering into the floral pink decor angry as could be. He screamed "WHY IS THERE FLOWERS IN MYYYY CWIIIIIIIIIIB!?" Mike tried to reason with him that it was his baby sister's crib now, but Christian wasn't having it. Mike quickly retreated back to said bed and proceeded to cover his head as well. It's how we cope. Let's hope we do better once the baby gets here. ;)

Jackson was able to later explain to Christian that because he's going to be a BIG BROTHER, he needs a big brother bed - not a baby bed anymore since he's sooo big ;) Christian bought it coming from him, and all returned to normal in the Phillips Household once again. Though Christian still finds reasons to unearth hell with his screams - you know, for things like the appropriate lights not being on in the house, someone closing a door he did not approve of, a diaper being thrown away before he could see what was in it, being told we still don't serve up candy for breakfast or mac n' cheese for every.single.meal of the day. Can you blame him? He really has to put up with a difficult family over here! ;)

Oh Lord, please give me the grace I need to raise this strong willed, fiery, incredibly bright and funny boy and to train him up in the way that he should go. I certainly have my work cut out for me with this one, but as my Grandpa reminded me during our annual Christmas breakfast as I breathlessly explained that Christian is my "big project," this is the most worthwhile "project" I will ever have - the honor of shaping a life, and the awesome responsibility and reward that comes along with that.

"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

Joseph's Lullaby

2010-12-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

Let's not forget the TRUE reason for the season - Jesus Christ, God's gift to the world. I love this song, written from the perspective of Joseph. As a mom, I can't even begin to imagine the overwhelming feelings Mary and Joseph must have felt as Jesus' human mom and dad. Knowing - and NOT knowing - what exactly your baby boy is headed toward had to be extremely difficult to endure.

Happy Birthday, Jesus ~ thank you, God for your precious, precious son.

"Rudolph the Red Deer Nose"

2010-12-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

This has been a really fun holiday season with the boys. It's the first year that Christian has been able to grasp what's going on around him. He loves the Christmas books, the lights on the houses, the cookie baking and our Christmas tree. He likes to talk about Santa Claus and how Christmas is actually Jesus' birthday - though it usually starts off with him INSISTING that it is HIS birthday and not Jesus'.. which then leads into a conversation about when his birthday is and what he would like to have for HIS party... read: all things Spiderman. :)
One of my favorite parts of Christmas is teaching my boys the songs from Christmas favorites like The First Noel and Silent Night to the fun holiday sounds of Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Christian has picked up on these songs quickly, and his renditions are usually right on point - word for word. Though Rudolph throws him for a loop, as he continues to sing "Rudolph the Red Deer Nose." I think it's the cutest thing ever, and won't correct him. His older brother, however, has tried to correct him - to which he is quickly reprimanded by the growls of his defiant little brother "NO! I sing RUDOLPH THE REEEED DEEEEER NOOOOSE!"

I'm a bit late on my gratitude post this week, but I have been trying to slow down amidst the holiday bustle and actually enjoy the Christmas season. Even if I DO have MORE antibiotics for another ear infection ridden 2 year old, bags under my eyes and flour and cookie batter stuck to my pregnant belly.. I've been trying to soak it all in and *not* allow stress and to do lists to overtake the true meaning of Christmas.

Today, I am thankful for..

The smell of my Christmas tree
Cookies baking in the oven
Christmas cards with pictures of friends and family from near and far
Holiday parties and laughing with friends at the best white elephant gifts
Stormy nights
A dinner mishap that led to delicious take-out...right.away.
Inspiring craft/design blogs
Breakfast for dinner
PJ's all day
Maternity Leave just.around.the.corner. (!!!!)

Merry Christmas to you and your family this season!

Remembering

2010-12-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to the rain, hearing the crackle of the fire in the fireplace...the house is quiet except for the 2 year old boy testing his daddy's patience during the bedtime routine..turning the lights on and off, laughing and coughing..

And I am so, so grateful right now.

Words are inadequate. They cannot describe the feelings that have overtaken me right now.. I stumbled upon a blog completely unaware of what I was going to see..thinking I was going to look at a really cool photographer that one of my friends had 'liked' on Facebook. But then, there were pictures in black and white - of a baby boy, a newborn in a hospital... His joyful mom, his older brothers, his father.. and they were accompanied by the pain filled words of a bereaved mother..

Raw, piercing, and real...

And..I've been there before - so I knew, and I KNOW. And I wish I didn't, and I wish I hadn't seen, but I kept reading..and I went back to that place. The place that I fear, that I don't enjoy going to, because the pain is too searing and relentless.

Her story, yet so different from mine, was so very much the same..and it hurt to read through tear filled eyes while clutching my chest. But the incredible thing? I know God led me to that blog that day. It wasn't a coincidence.

Let me explain..

When pregnant with Drew, I received a standard flu shot since pregnant women are considered to be high risk. Well, Drew didn't survive more than a day - and though that was not the reason he died, my mind was warped in my subsequent pregnancy with Christian. I was worried about EVERYTHING and wanted to do the exact opposite of whatever I had done in my pregnancy with Drew. So, with Christian, I declined the flu shot. My doctor did not pressure me at all and left it alone.

So now, being almost 8 months pregnant with #4 - my doctor told me that he wants me to get vaccinated for 3 things: The flu, H1N1 and Tdap (because of Pertussis). Being that he's the very same doctor that didn't argue with me during my pregnancy with Christian, I grilled him on it for a full 15 minutes - fearful that my baby would be affected by the vaccines. He explained to my satisfaction why he hadn't pushed me on the flu shot previously - I was in a fragile state just MONTHS after my son had died and he didn't want to push me for emotional reasons. Since then, H1N1 broke out and he said it is absolutely necessary for pregnant women to be vaccinated and that the risk of not vaccinating actually outweighs the risk of vaccination. Ok, I was fine with that but what was the pertussis vaccine? He explained that there has been an outbreak of pertussis or whooping cough in California, and because of that - the hospital will not let me leave with my newborn unless I receive the adult vaccination..so he advised I just get it now.

I thought it was odd..but, I do trust my doctor, so I called to make the appointment. The appointment is scheduled for early this week, but literally HOURS before I read the aforementioned blog, I started to feel anxious about receiving the Tdap vaccine - feeling that I didn't know enough about it and I was scared to pass it to my unborn baby. I told my husband that I may not get that particular vaccine because I didn't feel comfortable...

So - back to this lady's blog..I was reading it and I had to know WHY her son had died, so I clicked back...back...back...

her infant son had contracted pertussis

She is now a spokesperson for the campaign Sounds of Pertussis - and as I read through her blog, she had many links to news articles about how these cases can be prevented..and they are prevented by adults getting vaccinated. Infants can't fight pertussis and their first booster shot isn't for months - so WE, their PARENTS, are the first line of self defense..

Through heaving sobs of feeling and knowing her pain, remembering her baby and mourning for my own - I realized WHY I had stumbled upon her blog..

I don't want to lose another baby - my heart couldn't take it..and thanks to this brave woman, I will not only get vaccinated this week but I will do what I can to spread the word about pertussis and make sure that we keep our babies safe by getting vaccinated..

And so, I am grateful - grateful that God allowed me to find her blog right when I needed to know how important this vaccination is...and also grateful to have remembered that pain - though it's horrifying - because it snapped me out of the complaining about to-do lists, holiday stress and the terrible-two's...and reminded me of the piercing silence right after Drew died...the nights of crying coming from Jackson's bedroom and our own..and the nursery that remained closed tight...

Praise God that I have a screaming (and coughing) two year old...because HE'S HERE and ALIVE and I can hug him and kiss him until he yells at me.

Praise God that my 10 year old is happy, HEALTHY and well adjusted after suffering through the most unfair loss of his baby brother.

Praise God that my husband and I are still married years later - that my fears of such tragedies pulling families apart would have no such grasp on us - and that God would only strengthen our bond to a deeper level than ever before.

Praise God for the promise of new life - for this precious baby girl growing inside of me, soon to join our eager and excited family.

Praise God that I'm here to see, taste, feel and experience a life that is so much richer and more intense than before my son died.

Praise God that this is not the end, and that Heaven is waiting for our glorious reunion - when I will see that baby boy in my daddy's arms and run to him like I've never run before.

PRAISE GOD!

30!

2010-11-29T21:48:00.000-08:00

Holy cow, I can't believe I've hit the big 3-0. Actually, I'd be lying if I said that I haven't ever looked forward to being "old enough" to be a mom. After having Jackson at 19, I was always looking forward to that next birthday when I could say I was another year older. I've spent a lot of time in reflection of the last 30 years of my life - even with Tim McGraw's song playing in my head ;) God has carried me through some incredible challenges and brought me through to amazing new heights. It's when I look back at the fabric of my life - the trials, the triumphs, the tears and the joy - that I can really see God's hand so obviously working. He IS real, and he IS good. Thank you God, for an amazing and thrilling ride thus far. I can't wait to see what else you have in store!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Today, I am thankful for..

Continued lessons and wisdom from God.

Candles lighting up my favorite Fruit Basket cake.

My Grandfather's memories and the stories he shares. His reminders to me that I am living in "THE days" that I will forever look back on and miss.

My husband's thoughtful planning and sneaking around to make sure my birthday was filled with fun surprises.

A son who calls home to sing me a song on my special day.

Easily made plans.

My sweet natured dog.

"Binky kisses" from the 2 year old.

Laughter at the dinner table.

New coffee mugs with room for a *little* extra caffeine.

Humbled

2010-11-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, my step dad and others from his church went on a missions trip to Kenya. While there, they made lifelong connections with the people and as a result - the pastor they met in Kenya was staying with them in California this week. Last night, my siblings and our families went to my parents house to meet Pastor Boaz from Kenya - and to have dinner with him. He was an incredibly warm man and very easy to talk to. My step dad had picked up Chinese food for dinner and was encouraging Pastor Boaz to have more - but he ate very little. When my step dad asked him if he was sure he had eaten enough - he explained that in Kenya, they are so poor that they eat once a day, before they go to bed. He said that in preparation for his journey back home, he wanted to retrain his stomach to eat less so that his transition back into his life in Kenya would not be as difficult on him physically. I didn't actually hear this conversation, as he was telling my husband and sister-in-law, but my husband was very humbled and shaken by it..and shared it with me when we were on our way home later that night. My husband explained to me that Pastor Boaz had said "In America, you are so blessed. You go to your friends house and eat, you go to church and eat, you get together for meetings and eat. Food is readily available and you have many options. We live in different worlds."

My husband and I sat in shock the rest of the drive home, frustrated with how unfair this world is - and feeling guilty for being born into a country where we don't have to worry about food in the way that Pastor Boaz does. This encounter came on the heels of me reading my good friend's blog about a similar situation. She is adapting to life in India and was shocked to take her trash out and have hungry, poverty stricken children ravaging her trash bags for bits of uneaten food. Such descriptions are so hard for us as Americans to fully comprehend unless we see them with our own eyes. I am finding myself more and more frustrated and angry by the state of the world - that there are people in Kenya eating once a day and children in India starving and digging through trash for food - while our biggest mealtime concern here is whether we'd rather eat in or go out to a restaurant. I feel so guilty and so blind... As a mother, I can't even imagine what it must be like - what torture it is - to watch your child starve..for them to be hungry and to not be able to meet that basic need. When my own kids are hungry for even a snack, I stop whatever I am doing to get it for them. What kind of world is this that we can have billionaires and multi million dollar mansions with imported marble and stone - but we have such poverty and despair to the point that CHILDREN are going to bed hungry every night?? I don't know the answers to these questions - only God does and I believe he sees each and every soul and hears their cries.

Today, in full and humble awareness of all that I have been blessed with, I am thankful for..

The crumbs underneath my table after each meal that remind me that my children are fed, and we have more than enough to eat.

The means to buy medicine for my feverish and coughing boys - and to be able to ease their pain as a mother should be able to.

The roof over my head and the walls that protect us as we sleep.

Clothes for every season.

The ability to work and earn an income to help support my family.

Unexpected encounters with new people that stretch me and challenge everything I know.

Toothbrushes that keep my kids' (and our) teeth healthy and strong.

Worship.

Feverish babies that give extra cuddles when sick.

Phone calls with good friends.

I've included links to the videos of my step dad's trip into Africa below..

Video 1

Video 2

To Do Lists

2010-11-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazily busy and my to-do lists are ever growing. Between preparing for the holidays, mounting projects at work, sports schedules, planning birthday celebrations and preparing our house for the baby (which I have only begun to THINK about) .. I am spent. As I enter into my third trimester, I am feeling MUCH more tired and am often ready for bed before we've even sat down to dinner. Life with two kids at home is busy and I often miss the days when I could lay down and take a nap. I've stopped my husband on multiple occasions to ask him if we're crazy to be adding another one to the bunch. Of course, this makes him laugh - being that I am very obviously pregnant at this point and little miss phillips is definitely on her way - ready or not!
This past week I have been waking before the sun rises to get ready for work, all the while reminding God (as if He needs my reminders) that I desperately need His grace to accomplish the mounting tasks before me. I am thankful that He hears my prayers and moves mountains to answer my call.

"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

So, a few days late, I continue to count the ways that God has blessed me - even in the midst of interminable to do lists and mounting responsibilities..

31) My soft pillow and warm bed that welcome my tired and pregnant body every night.
32) God's grace that equips me with all that I need to rise to each and every challenge each day.
33) Hot showers that awaken and relax me on cold days.
34) Interminable to-do lists that remind me that my life is full and I am blessed.
35) The stories of my friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers that help to carry me along, remind me I'm not alone and make me laugh and cry along with them.
36) The sound of my favorite little voices thanking Jesus for a good meal and a good day.
37) The dust collected on my banister because I was too busy playing board games with my kids to mind it.
38) God's favor surrounding me.
39) Starbucks peppermint mocha's
40) Christmas music streaming through the house in early November.

Halloween Fun

2010-11-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

Pumpkin goo!

Jackson braving the disgusting-ness of it all

Christian was a little grossed out as well, but went for it anyway :)

Keep cleaning it!

Mom came in to help

This is a lot of work!

Look, Mom!

Jackson showing off his technique

Cleaning it out

Christian getting a better look

(Little) Men at work

Cheeeese, wait - Christian - get your finger out of your nose ;)

My little dragon

Christian showing off his uber cool tail

Halloween Bunko fun!

BUNKO!

Jackson and Thomas

The trick-or-treating crew

One cute cheerleader and an uncooperative dragon :)

Disneyland 2010

2010-11-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

Christian & Jackson waiting in line for Small World

Christian was mesmerized by all of the singing animals and puppets on the ride

This is Jackson and I getting off of Small World. He was a bit too cool for the ride ;)

...but never too cool for Mickey!

Our Family and a giant mouse :)

While Mike and Jackson rode the roller coasters, Christian and I had some fun in A Bug's World on the kiddie rides. This is his excitement on the giant caterpillar "roller coaster"

Fun with Mommy

Once Jackson & Mike caught up with us, Christian made them ride this lovely contraption with him for the 4th time - while I tried to settle my queasy stomach from all of the spinning. Blah!

Happiness is... A day at the beach!

2010-11-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

There are few things I love more than a day at the beach with my family. These were taken back in July - and of course it was overcast in San Diego that day. But, we still had a lot of fun. The ocean always reminds me how awesome God is - and that evidence of Him is all around me, if I would just open my eyes and drink it all in..

Jackson encouraging Christian to check out the water

Jackson taking off in hopes that his little bro would follow..

Running from the waves is fun!

Christian is lucky to have a fantastic big brother

This was right after Christian was knocked down by a little wave and Jackson helped him up :)

It was overcast, but a bit too bright for my hubby's eyes :)

Me and my first boy

Christian, blissfully happy and free!

Pizza Time!

2010-11-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago, while Daddy was away - the boys and I had a pizza making party. It was a lot of fun. I used this recipe for the pizza dough, and it came out pretty good!

Jackson & Christian excitedly pounding their dough into circles.

Christian's handy work

Adding lots of personal touches..i.e. fingerprints!

Jackson preferred to toss his dough

The topping bar - keeping it simple :)

They taste tested about every topping prior to actually topping their own pizzas :)

Christian's masterpiece in progress

Jackson's work of art

Yum!

Ready for the oven..

No complaints here!

Thanking Him

2010-11-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

Days after my son died, my mom gave me her worn and weathered copy of Streams in The Desert 1 by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman. In it are daily devotions broken out by each day of the year. Thirsty for hope, I began reading these short devotionals every morning - and over 3 years later the words within this book still bring me a daily dose of comfort. This was contained in Friday's passage last week, and I was so moved by it that I wanted to share:

"Stand up in the place where the dear Lord has put you, and there do your best. God gives us trial tests. He puts life before us as an antagonist face to face. Out of the buffeting of a serious conflict we are expected to grow strong. The tree that grows where tempests toss its boughs and bend its trunk often almost to breaking, is often more firmly rooted than the tree which grows in the sequestered valley where no storm ever brings stress or strain. The same is true of life. The grandest character is grown in hardship." -Selected excerpt from Streams in The Desert

Today, I am thankful for..

21) The painful moments in my life that have only served to enhance the joyful moments so that they are now felt with a fiery intensity and a heart that truly knows what it means to overflow.
22) Breakthroughs - for God working so obviously in our lives and opening doors and new opportunities.
23) Celebrations - big and small. From the neighborhood party filled with fun and laughter - to accomplishments at work and watching my son make a goal on the soccer field.
24) My husband's zest for life, his ability to have fun and laugh at any moment. The way his goofiness makes me laugh so hard it hurts.
25) The stillness of the night - when my boys and husband are sleeping soundly in their beds, my dog is snoring and the moonlight fills our bedroom.
26) Authenticity - friends who are who they are, fake nothing, and never realize how truly beautiful that makes them to me.
27) Overheard conversations between my boys and their little friends, and how the funny things they say make me double over in laughter.
28) The beautiful sound of my daughter's heartbeat filling the doctor's office today at my appointment.
29) The excitement of waiting for one of my dearest friends to have her baby over the weekend - and the instant perspective gained by witnessing new life.
30) New challenges and the grace to rise up to meet them each day.

Multitude Monday

2010-10-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6

I confess, I had a moment last night. A selfish, silly, carnal moment. I was putting away dishes when I looked down at the steak knives we had been given years ago for our wedding.. they were worn by the years and were even showing some signs of what looked like rust at the base. Remembering I had invited my son's newly married father and step mother over for Halloween next weekend, I stupidly began to take stock of the material things around my house.

'Do I need to get new knives before they come? Surely their knives are brand new since they just married this month.. I should probably get a new shower curtain too, something updated - oh, but then I'll need new towels to match said shower curtain. What about throw pillows? I've been meaning to get some and haven't had a chance..'

Suddenly everything needed to be bought before next weekend. It was then that God convicted my heart and I knew I was looking at this all wrong. In the 10 years since Jackson was born, this will be the very first time that I have actually had his biological father (and new wife) step foot INTO my home. This is a monumental event for our family. Never before have we celebrated a holiday together - but Jackson's recent health scare brought us all closer in a way that I would have never conceived of previously.. and I've softened my previously cold heart toward them. God showed me a man who loves his son - my son.. a man that I thought was still that 19 year old boy that had left me pregnant and alone so many years ago.

I had been praying over the last two years that God would build a bridge from our hearts to Jackson's dad's - and that we would be able to see eachother through His eyes. That prayer was certainly answered, though not at all in the way I had expected it to be. I didn't expect Jackson to get so sick, to be hospitalized and to have to band together - both families - for the sake of this boy that we all love so much. God didn't ask my opinion, however, and that's exactly how things went.. and yet, I am grateful - because He opened my eyes and I don't know that I would have seen Jackson's dad in this way if it weren't for those moments of sheer uncertainty - of helplessness and powerlessness.. of watching him care for the boy I love so much with so much tenderness and devotion that it literally blew me away.

And here I was last night, worried about my knives, when my boy was finally getting what he had always wanted - both sets of his parents coming together for him - celebrating and laughing together - for him. This is what I had prayed for - though I didn't know what the end result would actually look like. What God has used as a blessing of peace, the enemy has already tried to come in and steal by distracting me. Should I wait until everything is 'just so' before welcoming them into my home? I have friends and family over all the time and have never worried about the state of my silverware. To put off my hospitality today because I want things to be a certain way is missing the whole point. What's important is that I open my doors, that my heart - and not my silverware - shines, and that I treat them as I would Jesus if He were entering in my home.

"'I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'" - Matthew 25:43-45

I am thankful for this reminder that all that we do is for Christ, Himself...that I should never put off my kindnesses until tomorrow when I can bless someone today. God has blessed me and my family with a warm and inviting home with room enough for many to come and sit and eat and laugh and talk. How am I being a good steward of the blessings He has lavished upon me if I am withholding them from blessing someone else?

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"- Matthew 25:21

"A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes another will himself be refreshed." -Proverbs 11:25

And so, today, I thank God for His gentle reminders of what is truly important. I do not want to be remembered for the beautiful things that I had materially on this earth, but rather I want to be remembered as someone who loved Christ so much that it was contagious. I want to be remembered as someone who gave of whatever she had to bless someone else. I want to be remembered for being generous and hospitable - for welcoming many into my home and blessing them with the warmth of God's love flowing through me. More than anything, I do not want to put off blessing others and I want for my home to be a safe haven where all are blessed to come and feel God's presence.

Today, I am thankful for..

11) Holy reminders from Christ, Himself, of what is truly important.
12) Reconciliation and healing
13) A warm home filled with the laughter and love of friends and family
14) Unexpected gifts in my inbox when I awake in the morning
15) The bonds of friendship that span the globe and cannot be broken by time or space
16) Late night card games between my husband and I - filled with plenty of laughter and healthy competition.
17) Little boys in footed jammies, scuffling across the floor to greet me good morning
18) A job that enables me to work from home
19) Big bear hugs from super cool 10 year old boys
20) My parents and in-laws who are always there for us, loving our kids and offering a constant source of wisdom and advice.

Changing Seasons

2010-10-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have always loved this song, but especially as the leaves turn and the seasons change - I am reminded of just how awesome God is and that He is not only changing the seasons around us - but at the same time he is changing me. I am so very grateful.

Every Season by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours

And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

The Grateful Ones

2010-10-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

I called my mom a couple weeks ago, feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I confided in her about all of my anxieties and worries and about the ever growing to-do list. She listened, as she often does, and then told me I should check out a blog she'd been reading. It's written by a Christian author and mother of 6. Her focus? Finding the sacred in the mundane..the holy experiences in life's ordinary moments. I wrote down the blog name and visited it the next morning. The day I chose to look, Ann (the blogger), had posted a list of things to be grateful for.. With the large following she has (in the thousands), she has started a 'Gratitude Community' where bloggers from all over the world stop three times a day to record things that they are grateful for in that moment. The goal is to reach 1000 things you're grateful for, but as she described, it became addictive and she has now reached well over that number of counted blessings on her own. She said it made her see life differently and had actually changed her completely. Inspired, I began to record the things I was grateful for that day - and you know what, it completely DID change my perspective. I am still very green to this new experience of purposefully looking for things to be thankful for, but already I can feel the difference even in the way I react to things like my 2 year old purposefully pouring his milk all over the table. So, I am officially joining The Gratitude Community at www.aholyexperience.com. Every Monday I will add to my list, and hopefully this exercise is as contagious for you as it was for me! I know it's not Monday, but it's only appropriate that I start this introduction off with a few things for which I am thankful right now..

1) The glowing fire my husband built in the fireplace to keep us warm on this blissfully rainy night.
2) Breakfast for dinner in our p.j.'s
3) The smell of the first rain of the season during our trip to Apple Hill this afternoon.
4) Kind elderly women expressing sympathy for me while I wrestled a cranky toddler.
5) My sweet husband who is very much a hands on Dad, helping me entertain the kids, make dinner and clean up tonight.
6) For the little hands that reach for mine and remind me of the great honor I have in helping to guide these precious little people.
7) My growing belly and the baby girl who I hold so many hopes and dreams for.
8) Sweet neighbors who love to bake and drop off goodies at my doorstep!
9) Modern medicine and technology - and how it has helped to test and rule out issues for my dear friend's baby girl over the last couple of days.
10) The Yankees losing tonight. Yes, I am thankful for that! :)

I hope you'll join me on this journey!

A Change of Pace..

2010-10-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

For the past 10 years, my life has been filled with all things boy. From matchbox cars to light saber wars, muddy faces, wrestling matches, tree climbing, fort building, and their uncanny knack for making nearly anything into a toy gun - including their peanut butter sandwiches. I've loved - and still love every single..well, {MOST} moments. I was sure when we went in for our ultrasound this week that the screen would reveal yet another little penis ready to spray everything BUT the inside of the toilet ... but when the two legs popped up on the screen - the telltale sign I was expecting was UNexpectedly missing!

That's right - it's A GIRL!

I never thought I wanted a daughter..fearing that I would have what my mother so often wished upon me throughout my adolescence (yep, one 'JUST like me.') But then Christian was born, and I realized that such fire and strong-will DID in fact come in male packaging.. very much to my own surprise. So, with my feisty 2 year old in tow - I began to pray for a daughter. This is, after all, our LAST baby and I am not one of those women who will "try and try" until I get a girl. I had just resigned myself to the fact that after 3 boys, I was destined to have another. I'm SO glad I was wrong! (Though I would have LOVED a boy just as much)

For the last 2 days since our ultrasound, my thoughts have been CONSUMED with all things girl. Not only did I head straight to the baby girl section of Babies R Us immediately after our ultrasound - but I've been thinking about far more than pink ribbons and room decor. I look forward to having a daughter to raise, to teach about the Lord and to inspire to chase her dreams - whether she wants to be a stay at home mom or a CEO. I wonder what she'll be like and what her passions will be. I pray that she'll marry a wonderful, godly man like her Daddy and that she'll know the closeness of the father-daughter bond that I was never able to experience. I look forward to watching her relationship with Jackson and Christian - and to seeing how this tiny new person changes (and rocks) our testosterone filled world. I wonder how many times her big brothers will stand up for her, and how many times she will complain about said protection. I look forward to watching her grow and learn, struggle and fight.. but MOST of all I look forward to the relationship that she and I will have as she grows into a woman herself. I certainly gave my own mom a run for her money in my teenage years, but have become very close to her now and really look forward to that same relationship with my own daughter. I am excited beyond words for this new experience with my very own precious daughter! Yay!

A Mother's Prayer

by Celine Dion

I pray you'll be my eyes

And watch her where she goes

And help her to be wise

Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light

And holds it in her heart

As darkness falls each night

Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Need to find a place

Guide her with your grace

Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

Carrie Underwood - So Small

2010-09-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

Healer

2010-09-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Here Comes Baby!!

2010-09-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you've heard or not but WE'RE EXPECTING! I am about 5 months along with our LAST baby..yes, LAST one. We're due February 9, 2011 but I was 2 weeks early with Christian, so my doctor said I have a 95% chance of delivering a January baby. Already, this pregnancy is FLYING by! Before we know it, the holidays will be here and we'll be consumed with fun activities from October through December. We'll hardly have time to recover in time to prepare for our newest arrival. YIKES!!

We're so very excited though and a little nervous as to what Christian's reaction will be.. ;) Here goes nothing!!

Fun with Friends

2010-09-13T22:14:00.000-07:00


Jackson and Jameson all dressed up for Coloma

Austin, Murat and Jackson

Austin and Christian conducting some serious business over their iPhones

My two favorite boys

RPM Racing fun!

Girls' weekend!

Wagon ride!

Serious conversations amongst friends :)

More girls' weekend fun!

Men with babies

Carrie Underwood concert with my dear friend Katie

Two handsome men

Random Fun

2010-09-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

Most of these shots are from last winter, but since I've been terrible with the blog updates I thought I'd include a few now..


Christian, Mike and Jackson watching the first snow of the season in Tahoe

All bundled up


Testing out the new ATV from Santa


Sisters

Snowball fight!

Abbie and Jackson in Tahoe

Stace and I with our little boys

Sledding fun!

A Case of the Why's

2010-08-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, Jackson came home early from a friend's sleepover with a 103 degree fever. No big deal, I thought, we gave him medicine and set up camp on the couch with movies and lots of fluids..nothing we haven't encountered before. Or so I thought. The next morning (Wednesday), as I was *thankfully* working from my home office, I came out to give Jackson his next dose of medicine and noticed a strange rash across his stomach. I thought it was unusual, but certainly wasn't alarmed. I called the advice nurse just to find out what type of ointment I should apply to it. She advised that we come in immediately.

We arrived at the doctor's office, and the doctor looked over Jackson and asked lots of questions. He performed a rapid strep test which immediately came back negative and he ordered blood work, "just in case." He actually said (in front of Jackson), "This could be nothing and will pass in a couple of days...or it could be something really, really HORRID." Um, horrid? Not a good word to use in front of a 10-year-old boy. The blood work had me slightly nervous - but the word horrid scared me, and quite frankly made me angry with the doctor. He directed us to the lab for immediate blood work and said he would call to check on Jackson. He said if the rash turned purple or if Jackson complained of severe pain, to head to the ER. Off to the lab we went.
This was Jackson's first experience with having blood drawn. He was weak from not eating and very tired and feverish. We waited for an hour before we were seen and as they began to draw his blood, he really started crying. Just when I thought we were almost finished, his blood actually stopped running - which then caused the technician to WIGGLE the needle in his arm causing Jackson even worse pain. He then proceeded to vomit into the nearest trash can ... all while sitting on my lap. The lab staff looked very concerned and told me "You have a very sick boy," ..which really irritated me even more.

"No," I argued, already irritable and tired from all of the waiting and my growling pregnant tummy. "He's vomiting because of having blood drawn - not because he is sick." They decided to stop drawing blood - and left his blood work incomplete. Once we were home, Jackson laid down on the couch and fell asleep. The doctor called and let us know that Jackson didn't need to go back to finish the blood work that day (!) and that we'd watch and wait.

Jackson awoke the next morning (Thursday) with vomiting and diarrhea..but strangely, he was acting like himself, laughing and telling stories. We called the on call doctor, just to be sure, and she said that it could all be part of a virus just working it's way through. That night, Jackson ate a yogurt cup and a couple bites of a hamburger. We were on the mend!

The next morning (Friday) he awoke with a bright red angry rash spread across his entire trunk, thighs and arms. He wanted nothing to eat and still had a fever. I called the doctor's office and made an appointment after researching rashes online and concluding that he must have Scarlet Fever (strep on the skin). I read that rapid strep tests are often falsely negative, so I thought I'd take him back in for a second.

We arrived at the doctor's office and this time, Jackson's bio dad, Jack, met us there, as I had been keeping him up to speed with Jackson's condition over the past couple days. The doctor looked at Jackson and thought it was strep, he gave him the rapid strep test, and as we waited for the results he looked over Jackson's rash and came to his unusually dry and swollen hands and feet. Jack and I both explained that Jackson's feet and hands are normally sweaty as can be but we thought maybe it had something to do with being dehydrated (?) .. the doctor looked extremely concerned and explained that not even a severely dehydrated person's hands/feet would ever look like that. Jack and I fell silent as the doctor walked out to check the results of the strep test.

Negative again.

This time, the doctor came back in and closed the door in silence. He sat down on his chair and looked at Jack and I very seriously. My heart began to sink. "I'm going to be very frank with you guys," He said solemnly. "This is not strep. I'll order the throat culture for the lab to be sure - but I am positive after 2 rapid strep tests that it's not. The diarrhea and vomiting are also not consistent with strep. The hands and feet are a concern as well. I think your son may have what's called Kawasaki Disease."

At this point, I burst into tears and the only calm one in the room was Jack. I had never heard of the disease and the only question I had was if it was curable. He said yes, but we must go immediately to a cardiologist downtown for an echo cardiogram of Jackson's heart - since this disease attacks the coronary arteries first. If the doctor explained more about the disease after this point, I didn't hear him as I was sobbing uncontrollably. The idea of my active 10-year-old boy's heart being attacked by a random disease crushed me. Jackson rode in Jack's car to the cardiologist, while I followed in my own. I called Mike screaming mad.

"If Jackson has this disease, THAT'S IT!" I sobbed. "He (God) took a child of ours already, what else does He want? Is it so much to expect that He leave the rest of our children alone? I will NEVER speak to Him or go to church again. I am BEYOND angry." Mike listened, concerned, and tried to console me - reminding me that nothing was diagnosed for certain right now - and not to give up on God.

Once at the Cardiologist's office - he looked at Jackson and said he didn't think he looked like he had Kawasaki's. They performed the echo cardiogram and Jackson was in good spirits, despite still not having eaten. The doctor said his heart looked perfect, however, if his fever continued into Monday, we would need to repeat the procedure. (For a true Kawasaki's diagnosis, it has to be 5 full days of fever.) Relieved, Jack and I took Jackson to Cookie's Drive In for lunch while we waited to hear from the pediatrician on what to do next. We tried to coax him to eat - offering him whatever he wanted.. a milkshake? no. fries, a burger? no. a corn dog? no. His lack of appetite was disconcerting, but we were able to get him to drink a Sprite. This was the first time Jackson had ever been out to eat with both of us - so it was an unusual event. The doctor called and said Jackson would still need blood work. We headed over to the lab - Jackson upset all the way there - and promised Jackson after all that he had been through that if he could be calm and try to let them draw blood, we would buy him a lego set. He bartered for the Harry Potter Lego video game, and I obliged. He sat on his dad's lap during the blood draw but successfully completed it this time. It was already nearly 4pm. It had been an excruciatingly long day. He hugged his dad goodbye and we headed back home. (Yes, Mike picked up his well deserved video game for him to play that night. ;) )

Saturday morning Jackson awoke and asked for a maple donut and a chocolate milk. We were ECSTATIC. Surely, I thought, he was getting better. I texted his dad and let him know. He was equally as excited. He ate most of the donut and a sip of the chocolate milk - but I didn't care, HE HAD EATEN! I had him go upstairs to get showered so he and I could go shopping for some school clothes. He was in my room - which has an open master bathroom - so I walked in just as he was stepping into the shower. The back of his legs were PURPLE. I gasped. "Jackson, stop." I said, closely examining the back of his legs - unsure if I was being neurotic. I called Mike up to come look. He confirmed - definitely purple. I instructed Jackson to get out of the shower and get dressed immediately. As he turned around, I noticed purple all across his groin. I was terrified...the doctor hadn't told us what a purple rash would mean - only to go directly to the ER. My head swirled with "horrid" possibilities.

I called Jack - and Mike called his mom to come and watch Christian. Jackson and I left for the hospital, where my parents, Jack and his fiancee Jenn were waiting for us. Mike waited for his mom before meeting us there. We were quickly taken back to a bed and more blood work was ordered. The doctor came and looked at Jackson's rash - and let us know that they would be admitting him based on the look of the rash indicating possible bacteria in his blood. She told us there was a risk of death and to be prepared. Fear and anger welled up in me again..as it did for all of Jackson's parents in the room at that time (Jack, Mike and Jenn). We all worked to maintain our composure while in the room - and Jackson hadn't heard the doctor use the word death, as she mouthed it to us so that he wouldn't hear. The doctor later stopped Mike in the hall and let him know that Jackson's blood work also showed liver inflammation which could lead him to be placed in the Intensive Care Unit - she wasn't sure, but she wanted us to be prepared for that possibility. Mike came back in the room and let Jack, Jenn and I know. For the first time, Jack had to walk outside of the room before he broke down and cried.

Mike and Jenn left to pack bags for Jackson, Jack and I to stay overnight. A nurse came and hooked Jackson up to an IV and started administering the strongest antibiotics through his veins. Soon, they came and wheeled his bed - Jack and I following - to his new room on the Pediatric floor. Jackson was hooked up to heart monitors and had wires all over him. Everything was so surreal. Mike and Jenn came back with pillows and stuffed animals from both of Jackson's homes to comfort him. We figured out sleeping arrangements and Mike and Jenn eventually left while Jack fell asleep on the bed with Jackson while I was on the pull out. That night Jackson writhed in pain - gripping the sides of the hospital bed and screaming. It was very frightening, and we asked for pain relief which came in the form of Tylenol. It was a night of very little rest for all of us.

More blood work was done in the morning and the doctor came to talk to us. She was very lighthearted and thought he would maybe be there one more night - and that we'd wait on the blood work. She said this could be "one of those strange things they never figure out, but that goes away on it's own." Jackson seemed more like himself that day, and ate a little bit - so I was sure he was going to go home the following day. I actually left that evening to shower and say hi to Christian. When I left, Jackson was happily playing with legos - surrounded by grandparents, aunts and uncles. He asked me to bring him back a cheeseburger and milkshake - and I was more than happy to. On my way back to the hospital a couple hours later, I had a missed call from Jack on my phone. I listened to the voicemail and it was Jackson saying he wasn't hungry after all. It made me nervous, but not alarmed. I had already picked up his food, so I brought it back to the room. Jack left to go have dinner while I stayed with Jackson (Jackson always had one of us there - if not both). The nurse came in to take his temperature and it was the highest it had been - 104 degrees. She rolled him over and his rash was back in full force. She let me know he probably wasn't going home the next day since doctors like to see a full 24 hours without a fever. I felt so confused - the antibiotics clearly weren't working - and Jackson looked so terribly sick. He asked if he could take a shower, and because he was still connected to the IV the nurses said he could only have a sponge bath. Under normal conditions, Jackson would flip out at the idea of his mom wiping his naked body down - but he was so sick, he didn't care and only wanted to be clean. For that moment, it was just him and I - and I covered him up so he wasn't exposed and carefully washed him - promising not to look at certain parts as I washed. Once finished, I was walking to dump the basin of water, when his small voice called out "Mom," I turned around to look at him..he still looked so sick to me and it broke my heart. "Thank you for taking such good care of me." My eyes filled with tears.

Later, when his dad returned, we turned on a movie and I rubbed his dry, swollen feet and hands with lotion. They looked almost alien like - and felt so rough to the touch. I maintained an outward smile while falling to pieces inside, wondering what in the world was wrong with my baby. He slept peacefully that night while I lay awake next to him wondering if God had forgotten us.

The next morning, while Jackson was using the bathroom, I talked to Jack frankly. "I want answers, we need to find out what's going on - the long term prognosis of whatever this is. When I was rubbing his feet they felt like elephant skin," I said. Jack looked concerned.

The resident doctor came in. She looked at Jackson's tongue - which had changed to a splotchy red, and he had another fever. She walked out and brought the attending physician. He was extremely calm and started out by asking us what questions/concerns we had. Since Jackson was again in the bathroom I freely repeated my fears. Would he live? What could this be? What should we prepare for? The doctor listened and then calmly explained that Jackson had Kawasaki Disease, without a doubt. Having already encountered this possible diagnosis, I maintained my sense (or appearance) of calm - since Jackson had come back in the room and was intently studying my face for signs of a reaction. The doctor explained that Jackson would make a full recovery and go on living normally. We were lucky to have caught it early enough that it wouldn't cause any lasting damage - and especially lucky that we had already seen his heart the previous Friday and knew that his heart was fine. If we had caught it any later - we wouldn't have been so lucky. I asked the doctor if his heart would have changed between Friday and then (Monday) - and he said no.

Jackson was moved into another room for better monitoring of his heart - which would need to be watched closely during the treatment. He then underwent an 8 hour transfusion called IVIG, which is basically an IV treatment of a purified blood product. He was also on high doses of aspirin around the clock. The doctor had laid out all possible complications of the treatment, but insisted that he thought Jackson would be fine... and thankfully he was. Right before they began the treatment he spiked another 104 degree temperature. He was very out of it - but within the first hour of the treatment, he was sitting up and happily working on his legos - and eating again. We were elated to see him doing better. Part of me was still so angry that Jackson had to go through this - and selfishly that I, as his mother, would have to endure watching another child of mine suffer. I knew it was going to be over, and was so thankful for the diagnosis - but was still so angry that God had allowed another one of my children to lay helpless in a hospital bed. It just felt so unfair.

The next couple days were a bit of a roller coaster as a fever returned and Jackson's appetite waned. Had the treatment worked? Would he need a second round? What if he's one of the few children that don't respond to treatment? My mind and my emotions often spun off track. Luckily the doctors were calm and though they decided to keep him longer, by Thursday afternoon he had been fever free for 24 hours and his blood work (which my poor baby endured DAILY) was showing improvement. We could go home.

Jackson was released that Thursday afternoon, with many embarrassing celebratory dances put on by Jack, Mike, Jenn and I. The four of us were able to forge a bond through this experience. Watching your child in pain and having no power to stop it helps to foster a new appreciation for the other parents when you watch them love and care for the very child you love with all of your heart. This was a very healing experience for us - and I was able to see that Jack is truly a good father..something that I never took the time to realize.

Once Jackson was home, his hands and feet began peeling off sheets of skin - eliciting lots of comments from strangers and school friends. He was pretty easily fatigued in the first week or so since being released, but now seems to be recovering nicely. He has had a second echo cardiogram just this week and everything looked perfect. For the next four weeks, Jackson is on baby aspirin daily - just to thin his blood and avoid any scarring of the coronary arteries. He is also out of soccer for the next four weeks as well, which is more painful for him than all of the needles and blood work he had to endure!

Once we were home, though grateful to have him in his own bed, I was still so angry. I shared this with very few people, but I just felt so cheated by God. One night, I came across a scripture that perfectly answered my why's..

"As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 'Rabbi,' his disciples asked him, 'why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?'

'It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,' Jesus answered. 'This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.'"

John 9:1-3

The anger and pain lifted from me almost immediately, as I realized that God has not forgotten me - no, he very much remembers me - and he loves Jackson more than I do, which is hard to imagine. God is not angry or paying me back for what I or Mike or Jack have done wrong. No, that's not who He is. He is displaying His power through my family, using us to further his kingdom and shining brightly through our pain. Well, Lord, if that's the case..

"Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory...and I know there will be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain.."

He's still very much my God who I can trust wholeheartedly with my life - and Lord, do I ever. So now, I am not asking WHY this has happened to us or my son - but rather, I am asking WHAT will God do with my son's life, WHAT will he use this for and HOW many people will be touched by the power that God shines so brightly through my precious boy..

The Joys of Boys

2010-04-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

These are from last summer/fall..but I know that I've neglected my blog..and these are too cute to not share :)

Here's To My Girlfriends!!

2010-04-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

Higher and Higher

2010-04-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting New York Times Best-selling author, Kelly Corrigan. I had previously read her book 'The Middle Place,' and really enjoyed her honest and poignant writing. If you haven't read it already, it's seriously worth the read. It has been almost a year since I finished that book, but being in the room with her reminded me of all of the reasons I was so moved by her prose to begin with. This woman is brutally honest, painfully real and hopelessly hilarious all at the same time. Her book chronicles her struggle with stage 3 breast cancer as a mom to two young girls - and the complexities of being stuck between wanting to be her parent's child in her darkest moment and yet still having the responsibility of being a wife and mother at the same time.

Last night she said several things that struck me, but the one that really resonated the most was her explanation for the title of her newest book, 'Lift.' She explained her conversation with a hang glider and how this person explained that it is actually not possible to hang glide on a perfect sunny day - there has to be turbulence to get altitude.

There has to be turbulence to get altitude..

It seems so simple and silly that I would be struck by those words - but just as she explained - this is so true in our day to day lives. To really have a true perspective of what's important, a bird's eye view, an enlightened view - turbulence is necessary.

Thank you, Kelly, for that reminder.

The Power of Love

2010-04-12T12:41:00.001-07:00

Before I ever became pregnant with Jackson, I was not really into kids. Sure, they were cute - but I was never interested in babysitting or holding my baby cousins. The only baby I really felt strong love for was my baby brother who was born when I was 14. Other than that, I had plans of becoming a single career woman - no kids ever. But then stupidity coupled with sorority mixers my first semester away at college forced me to face the prospect of motherhood at the ripe age of 18. Never in my life had I felt so scared, so ashamed and so alone. The decision to keep Jackson was a life changing one for me - and in that split second between being told a baby was on the way and crashing to the floor - I suddenly felt intensely protective and maternal over the life growing inside of me. That feeling surprised me as it grew stronger and stronger with each passing day. Not only did I have a fierce desire to protect the life within me, but I experienced a depth of love for this little person that I had yet to meet. If I was surprised by the overwhelming emotions I experienced while carrying my son - I was completely floored by the intensity of the emotions I experienced when his eyes first met mine.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
It knows no law, no pity,
it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
Agatha Christie

I know that the description of a mother's love needs no explaining to any of my mom friends. Words cannot aptly describe it - but it's the best feeling in the world. Life comes into such a clear perspective when you look into your child's eyes for the first time - and you suddenly realize that nothing else matters..and that THIS is what life is all about.

I describe these feelings for one reason tonight. I was recently asked how I know that Drew is in Heaven..how I know that what I believe isn't just a nice idea. The intensity of love that I felt carrying Drew, planning for him, and finally holding him for the first time - was no less intense than what I felt for my firstborn. The love a mother has for her child is something that is so frighteningly powerful, that I know it was created by something greater than me. No 'big bang' could create something as powerful as the love I have for Drew. If all we were was dust - then he should have been nothing but a shoulder shrug for me. BUT HE ISN'T. I feel connected to him even now - three years later. I know in my heart that the power of love is greater than the grave - that it is beyond what I can see with my eyes.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
Maureen Hawkins

Happy Birthday to my dear sweet baby boy Drew. Before you were conceived, I WANTED YOU. Before you were born I LOVED YOU. Before you were here an hour, I WOULD DIE FOR YOU..and I would have taken your place in that hospital and breathed for you if I could have. I miss you and love you so much.

Mom

Wine, Anyone??

2009-07-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned a few times on this blog our love for our neighbors. Well, it's been almost 5 years since we all moved in and we unanimously agreed that we're all much more of a family at this point. It's so nice to have my nearest and dearest just a couple doors down or a quick walk across the court. I love these people.

We recently took a Wine Tasting Tour in Amador and El Dorado counties sans kids. Stacie even arranged a limo for the event. We had a blast and even stopped off in Plymouth for a nice dinner at Taste Restaurant (which I would highly recommend, by the way) on our way home. Thanks again to my WONDERFUL mother-in-law for watching my boys and allowing Mike and I some adult time :) xox!

THIS is what happens after lots of good Zin.

Sick Baby

2009-07-14T17:55:00.001-07:00

Last Friday night was like any other night in the Phillips household. Jackson had gone to a sleepover at a friend's house and Christian was happily playing until bedtime. We started his bedtime routine as we do every other night: bath, pj's, books and bed...and he went down without a problem. Flash forward to 5am the next day..the ungodly hour Christian decided to break our peaceful slumber with his piercing scream. We let him fuss for a moment, sure that he would go back to sleep but he only cried louder. Letting my husband sleep, I trudged across the hall to his room, opened his shutters and looked to see our baby with one swollen goopy eye closed shut. Yup, pink eye. I called the dr and she called in a prescription right away. But, I kid you not, Christian's eye was so swollen - he looked like Quasimodo (sp?) and when we bravely ventured beyond the confines of our home to shop for our new floors (yes, we kept him away from other children) people looked at him like he was deformed..but never said anything. Of course, I had to let the cat out of the bag each time which sent Mothers and children running away as if he was ridden with swine flu. (Don't get me started on that either.)

So, poor baby has endured drops in his eye 3x's a day only to have the pink eye transfer to his other eye the next morning. So, you guessed it, drops 3x's a day in 2 eyes. Mind you, Christian fights and kicks the ENTIRE time making it a really fun workout if you like wrestling feisty toddlers.

Thank the Lord he had his well-baby check up on Monday morning. Lo and behold, he also has an ear infection on top of the pink eye. So now he is on antibiotic drops for his eyes and antibiotics for his ear. As if we (he) hasn't endured enough, THIS morning (Tuesday) the oral antibiotics gave him a horrible case of diarrhea which has led to a Code Red diaper rash on his poor little bottom. So bad, in fact, that the skin has broken and my poor monkey can hardly sit on his bottom in the bath without crying..

The silver lining in all of this is that all of these issues are treatable and in the meantime Mike and I get extra cuddles and kisses as little thank-you's in between the wrestling matches. I love being a mom :)

(Old picture, cute baby. More recent pics to come...)

The Journey

2009-03-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

There are so many moments throughout the day when I step back and look at my children and just gasp at what miracles they are. Tonight, as I was rocking Christian to sleep, I watched his chest rise and fall as he slept so peacefully. After a day full of opening cupboards, tearing apart the family room and wrestling his big brother, he was out cold..and it dawned on me in that moment that at 11-months-old, he is at the age that Drew would have been the day Christian was born. I smiled and thought of what a handful that would have been, having both an 11-month-old and a newborn at the same time. I can barely keep it together with one baby now, much less two. But it didn't take long before the amusement was overshadowed by an intense sadness and emptiness, as my mind wandered to what might have been.

Sometimes I wonder if this will ever get easier. It ebbs and flows - I have good moments and rough ones still. I work so hard to focus my mind on what I have to be thankful for here, but I do long to see Drew again so badly that it is crippling at times.

But as quickly as those moments come, they can be taken away almost as quickly by laughter from Jackson, wet kisses from Christian or an embrace from Mike. I know I'll get there, it's just the journey that's been changed a bit. But maybe that's part of what I'm supposed to learn..that the darkness and pain of Drew's death in contrast to those moments with my family that make my heart burst with joy only makes life seem that much sweeter and worth appreciating and holding on to..

Soccer Players & Trouble Makers

2009-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

It doesn't get much sweeter than this. It's times like these (and they are frequent) when Mike and I look at each other and realize that THIS is what life is all about.

Christian has been given free reign of this one cupboard, and he is a pro at tearing it apart.

More trouble making!

Sitting on a plate, chewing on a cup; all in a day's work for the 9 month old.

Who, me??

Jackson played on the EDH Select soccer team, the Hotspurs this year - and they won the championship!! He is such a great soccer player!!

The champions!!

EDH Select Soccer is Number 1!!

My happy baby!

Trouble!!

Lake Tahoe Fun

2009-01-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

Daddy & Christian relaxing

Lake Tahoe fun with our friends

Dad & Christian on a walk in the Tahoe Keys park

Jackson, Jameson & Logan playing football

Who will catch it!?

Christian swinging

More swinging

Austin & Christian enjoying some Cabo Wabo

Getting ready for a walk in the backpack, clearly sleepy!

Yes, it was dark brown, but now we're back to blonde. ;) Jackson and Mom warm up by the fire.

I love these boys!!

Here comes trouble!!

Halloween

2009-01-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

Maui 2008 - Part II

2008-10-02T15:16:00.001-07:00

Maui 2008 - Part I

2008-10-02T13:06:00.001-07:00

Catching Up...

2008-10-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Twins!

Not so happy..

Big brother reading nursery rhymes to me...

Lost both teeth!!

Looks like Mommy in this pic!

Best buds

Too cute!!

Kisses from Mommy

Enjoying lunch with Papa

Take Every Thought Captive by Max Lucado

2008-08-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions.
Today's jealousy is tomorrow's temper tantrum.
Today's bigotry is tomorrow's hate crime.
Today's anger is tomorrow's abuse.
Today's lust is tomorrow's adultery.
Today's greed is tomorrow's embezzlement.
Today's guilt is tomorrow's fear.

Could that be why Paul writes, "Love ... keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV)?
Some folks don't know we have an option.
Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).
Do you hear some battlefield jargon in that passage--"capture every thought," "make it give up" and "obey Christ"? You get the impression that we are the soldiers and the thoughts are the enemies.
It was for Jesus. Remember the thoughts that came his way courtesy of the mouth of Peter? Jesus had just prophesied his death, burial, and resurrection, but Peter couldn't bear the thought of it. "Peter took Jesus aside and told him not to talk like that.... Jesus said to Peter, 'Go away from me, Satan! You are not helping me! You don't care about the things of God, but only about the things people think are important'" (Matt. 16:22--23). See the decisiveness of Jesus?
What if you did that? What if you took every thought captive? What if you took the counsel of Solomon: "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life" (Prov. 4:23).
You are not a victim of your thoughts. You have a vote. You have a voice. You can exercise thought prevention. You can also exercise thought permission.
Change the thoughts, and you change the person. If today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions, what happens when we fill our minds with thoughts of God's love? Will standing beneath the downpour of his grace change the way we feel about others?
Paul says absolutely! It's not enough to keep the bad stuff out. We've got to let the good stuff in. It's not enough to keep no list of wrongs. We have to cultivate a list of blessings. The same verb Paul uses for keeps in the phrase "keeps no list of wrongs" is used for think in Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (RSV). Thinking conveys the idea of pondering--studying and focusing, allowing what is viewed to have an impact on us.
Rather than store up the sour, store up the sweet.

A Rainbow after the Storm

2008-08-03T18:37:00.001-07:00

The day after Drew died our pastor came to our house to sit down with us and help us to make sense of the sheer hell we were enduring. At that time, we were desperate and clinging to his words for any ounce of hope he could provide us. One thing he said was that we would be required to comfort others with the same comfort that we had received during our time of pain (2 Cor. 1:3-5). I remember being afraid for my friends and family - and not wanting to have anyone else endure the pain that we were suddenly in the midst of.

The loss of a child is rare, in and of itself - so I began to believe for the best. But unfortunately, God called us to comfort some of those nearest and dearest to us in their time of similar excruciating pain. We have sat in silence, cried and prayed with our friends and family members over their precious babies..and have asked all of the same questions again - but have also tried to offer some sort of hope for whatever it's worth. The one thing that Mike and I have found to be surprising is that others have actually apologized and felt sorry for us, believing that we would have to "re-live" our experience through comforting them. Nothing could be further from the truth. What has been the most difficult has not been "re-living" Drew's death - but it has been in watching our closest friends walk through a pain so unrelenting, unbearable and intense. Knowing EXACTLY the feelings they are feeling and the nightmare they are wading through is by far the most difficult part for us. Looking at them, is like looking back in time at ourselves in that position..and it hurts because we remember, we still feel it and we very much want to protect and shield them from this horribly unfair reality. It's very much like watching a freight train head for someone you love, and being powerless to stop it.

One question that has been posed to me throughout these moments is if Christian has taken away the pain of losing Drew. My very simple answer to that question is no. The pregnancy with Christian was very different for us - we were afraid to be excited but forced to move forward as our baby grew each day. But it was a very healing and cathartic experience to walk through it again. I had no choice but to let go and trust God - I used the time to reflect, to grieve, to grow closer to God and my husband and Jackson - to strengthen my friendships - and to HOPE. There were many ups and downs throughout those long months - I even feared the possibility that I would not be able to love this baby as I had my precious Drew. But on March 26th, 2008 all of that changed. Christian came into this world and flooded our hearts with more joy than we thought possible. Holding him and looking into his eyes in those first moments was indescribably life changing for both of us. He is a new baby - separate from his brother - but just as unique and special..and so very loved. I would even venture to say that the emotions of holding Christian were more powerful and moving for me than any other single event I have experienced in my life ... perhaps because I now appreciate the value of life so much more than I had before our son died.

We still miss Drew - but having Christian has brought hope and healing. He is our miracle baby - our rainbow after the storm. His laughter, smiles, coos and even screaming cries serve as reminders from God that He is very much still in control and has plans for us that far outweigh all that we have dreamt of ourselves.

So, to all of you who are suffering the loss of a child and want to try again - this is our experience for what it's worth. We would encourage you to not be afraid - to step out in faith and try again if that is what you decide to do. Just over a year ago we couldn't imagine even genuinely laughing again...but now we cannot imagine our lives without our sweet baby Christian..... and our days are now overflowing with sheer joy...(oh, and some spit up and diapers ;) )

Thank you Lord!

Happy Birthday Stacie!!

2008-07-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

Our good friend Stacie celebrated her 30th birthday in style this year with a fun-filled karaoke party at Scott's Seafood. We jumped at the opportunity to have a night out without the kids...and had waaaaay too much fun!!

Stacie, Jessica and Andrea singing Britney Spears..very heartfelt, as you can tell..haha.

Mike enjoying a chicken skewer earlier in the evening...

Mike and Ryan belting it out...(notice Mike's popped collar! HA!)

Jessica, Lisa and Gabby... Something must have really excited me for this picture. Maybe it was that lemon drop..

Still excited with Lisa

Still smiling after nearly 6 years of wedded bliss!

Mike and James getting into their song... literally.

Jessica, Stacie and Lisa

Getting into character for Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive'

All the EDH wives...

Annnnd a few EDH Backstreet Boys, er, I mean husbands...

James and Mike singing... AGAIN. I lost count of how many songs these two sang together.

Jessica, Stacie & Andrea

Happy Birthday Jackson!

2008-07-30T21:48:00.001-07:00

For Jackson's 8th birthday this year, we were crazy enough to open our home (and backyard) to 6 rambunctious boys...for the night. Yes, you read that right - Jackson had a sleep over while we had a new baby. Crazy? Absolutely. Fun? Definitely. We are still recovering..

Jackson's friends Tyler and Jonnah attempting to jump on the beach ball...

Jonnah settled for the water noodle...

A remote control boat from Nana & Papa Phillips! Thanks!!

A custom made cake (also compliments of Nana)..

Happy Birthday my son!!

Catching up..

2008-07-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Talking in the morning...

And still talking...

Wine tasting with Mommy & Daddy in Napa...

Mike & Christian

Tummy time...

Enjoying what's left of Folsom Lake...

Jackson taking a dip...

Brothers

Katie's Bachelorette Bash

2008-05-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

Me and my dearest friend Katie

Reading her wedding night advice..

All the girls and our blushing bride! Congratulations Katie!!

A Miniature Michael

2008-05-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

Umm, whose lips are those??? Definitely a Daddy's boy!

SO cute :)

Chunky Monkey

Catching Up..

2008-05-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

Jackson, Emma and Christian

Squeaky clean!

Tummy time with big brother

Adorable!

Big smile!

Best Buds

2008-05-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Stacie and I enjoying our last days of pregnancy together..

And enjoying our baby boys just a week later! Christian and Austin are destined to be best friends!

The Purple Crayon

2008-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Well aren't I just the Suzy Homemaker extraordinaire? I have been drowning in laundry since our little one arrived and in my haste to "get it done" I failed to check all of Jackson's pockets .. in which he had apparently stashed a broken purple crayon. What do you get when you throw a bunch of clothes into the dryer with one purple crayon?? You guessed it - a load of tie-dyed purple clothes! Gotta love it!! And I have no one to blame but myself, nonetheless. When I asked Jackson about said crayon, he responded "Well, yeah Mom. I was using a lot of purple that day - so I just decided to keep it with me."

Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. :)

Sweet Relief!!

2008-05-04T13:07:00.001-07:00

I really should be sleeping right now - but instead I am listening to the sweet baby snores coming from our little Christian and basking in the overwhelming love that we have for him. I had honestly forgotten just how much work a newborn could be - but I truly couldn't be happier. I am absolutely exhausted 99% of the time - but deliriously happy. Words can't even describe just how very blessed we feel after all we have been through.

Christian decided to come about a week and a half ahead of schedule. I was having some contractions and thought I would go get it checked out - certain that I would be sent home - but once I got to the hospital and they checked me, I was informed that I was already at 5 cm and would be staying. In that moment I felt intense fear - and braced myself to lose our baby again. I was afraid to be excited. We had a lot of friends and family there throughout the labor which helped to calm my nerves a bit - but we were still pretty nervous. Once Christian was born they placed him on my stomach and performed all of their apgar checks as he laid there. They had to tell me a million times he was healthy before I would believe it. We had skin to skin contact for a full hour before he was taken to the nursery to get cleaned up..and when they brought him back to me I asked again if he was healthy. It was such an overwhelmingly joyful and relieving experience to bring Christian home the next day... to finally have a baby to put in our once empty nursery was indescribably exciting. I just brought him into his room and rocked him and cried tears of pure joy.

Just weeks later we celebrated Drew's 1st birthday, with Christian in our arms. It was all very bittersweet - but for me, I was ready to finish out that year. It is hard to comprehend that just one year ago we held another baby boy in our arms and lost him. Holding Christian has reminded us of what we have lost and just how valuable it really was - but at the same time it has given us hope. I am regularly asked if Christian is my first child - to which I explain, no - he is my third. I will never forget Drew or act as though he did not exist. I feel him in my heart and know that we will all be together again one day. I am just so incredibly grateful for another healthy boy and for all that we have to look forward to as a family as we continue to heal and grow stronger.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes - we will be posting some more pictures up soon!

Two babies in one year, phew! Somebody pass the birth control!!

Every Good and Perfect Gift is from Above..

2008-04-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

Just can't get enough..

2008-04-01T13:50:00.001-07:00

We are so very much in love with our new little guy..

Christian Drew

2008-04-01T13:41:00.001-07:00

I'm here, screaming and healthy!!

Hi, Daddy!

Cousin Emma visits

I have the best big brother ever!

He loves to hold me!

It's a boy!!

2008-03-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world Christian Drew Phillips!! Born @ 12:20am on March 26, 2008..weighing in at a healthy 7lbs 9oz and 19 inches long.

Mom and baby are doing great! Details and pictures to follow!

30 Weeks & Counting!

2008-01-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok, I admit..I am bad at the timely blog updates! Better late than never, right? ;) Things are going really, really well for us. We have reached 30 weeks of pregnancy so far and are officially in our third trimester. This baby is unbelievably active - and regularly attacks me fiercely from within! There are no such things as gentle movements with this little one!

Everything has been looking great thus far. We had a level II ultrasound which basically is a more in depth ultrasound used to rule out any possible problems. They can even see the blood flow within the placenta..it is truly amazing. The baby looks great, and no - we did not find out the sex. After all we have been through, we would like something sweet to look forward to. We know all too well that as our parents, siblings and friends wait for the baby to be born - they will be nervous..and this gives everyone something fun to look forward to.

It is really strange, as I have shared with some of you already, to be moving toward meeting this new little person at the same time that we move toward the anniversary of Drew's birth and death. This baby will be born less than a year after Drew and we will (God willing) have a new baby here with us as we experience what should have been Drew's 1st birthday. I don't think Mike or I have words to describe how that feels. It is a mix of bittersweet emotions and we just continue to trust God through it. He knows what He is doing. This baby certainly wasn't planned or expected by either of us, but it is very interesting to us that he or she is due nearly a year to the date that Drew was born...

Other than that, we have been doing great. We have such great friends and family and have actually laughed a lot over the last 9+ months. More than I think either of us thought we would. God has been so incredibly good to us as we have completely surrendered to His will. In fact, I don't think that I truly understood the meaning of surrender until I lost my son. It was in that maddening moment that I realized, I have absolutely no control over my life. Any control that I thought I had was only perceived. As we head toward the birth of this baby, I have really been forced to come to terms with that. A good friend reminded me the other day that the outcome for this pregnancy has already been determined. There is nothing that I can do to change what is already written. "It is finished," She told me. "Thank Him." That really struck me. It is freeing to know that the One who holds my very life in His hands loves me enough to send His only son to die for me..He knows what is best and He wants to bless me. The Bible actually says that He wants to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all we could dare to ask or think (Ephesians 3:20-21). Think about that...I would rather have Him in control than myself - any day of the week!! After all, the last time I tried to handle life without Him, things got a little messy!!

"Be still and know that I am God.." Psalm 46:10

A Frozen New Year's

2008-01-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

We ventured out with the Spitz and Thum families for a little New Year's Eve dinner this year.. brave, indeed. We waited at Joe's Crabshack for a good 2 hours before being seated. The kids were such good sports!!

Christmas Morning

2008-01-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Warming up fire-side before our Christmas morning prayer.

A new bike!!

Like Father, like son..

Cranston Holiday Fun!

2008-01-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

In the three years since we have moved into our home, we have been blessed with the greatest friends in our neighbors. So much so, that we have agreed to stay put! Our court parties have become regular events, and we had many of them this season! Below are pics from Gabby & Steve's annual kid-less bash as well as one from James & Stacie's event..
Hey, you really can't beat walking across the street to attend your parties!!

Posing with James & Stacie..

James, Stacie and the hostess with the mostest, Miss Martha Stewart incarnate, Gabby!

Two pregnant chicks with water and their skinny friend.

Yes, this is the only picture I got of this particular soiree. Sorry Stace. But you look extra cute eating your pot de creme - and I needed to include Lisa somehow ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-21T15:16:00.000-08:00

We have so much to be thankful for this holiday season - it's funny but I feel more grateful this Thanksgiving than I think I ever have before. That's something that may be hard for many of you to understand but out of our pain and loss this year has come overwhelming peace, love and hope.

We are so thankful for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, without which, we would have nothing. The love that He lavishly pours out on his sons and daughters is like no other. My words fail me as I try to convey the depth of my own love and trust for Him - how do you thank someone who gave so much for us all to have life? How do you thank the One who created you, knows you intimately and still loves you in spite of your deepest, darkest secrets? I can be a pretty rude person - I am human - I fail like anyone else, and He STILL LOVES ME..If it had only been me..or if it had only been you - He still would have died…just for you - because that's how much He loves you and I. It is incomprehensible to me - and I am so incredibly grateful for a love that I do not deserve. Thank you, Lord.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end — Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.” Isaiah 43:2-3

Thank you, Lord, for my husband, Mike - a man after your own heart.. A man who loves me more and more each day and doesn't let a day pass without telling me so. Thank you for preparing us for each other - long before we each took our first breath. Thank you for knowing the hardships we would face together and for giving me a man that would prove to stand beside me in the worst of times. Thank you for a man that loves his children - a man that took my own son in as his own and has treated him that way ever since. A man that coaches every soccer and little league team, a man that cheers his son on from the sidelines. For a man that takes his son outside to play in the rain... A man that makes me laugh so hard, my sides hurt – and holds me when I cry. A man who takes care of his family and friends with fierce loyalty, a man with a heart of gold – who opens his home and his heart for everyone, and who is shameless in his worship for you. A man who teaches his unborn children about Sports Center and the Red Sox, and waits in great anticipation for their kicks in return. This man that you have blessed me with, this marriage that you have given me – blows my mind, humbles me and makes me stand in awe of just how wonderful every gift from you is. Mike is a treasure to my heart and our marriage gets sweeter and sweeter with each passing year. Thank you for Mike.

“A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

Thank you for our son, Jackson, who lights up our days and makes every moment brighter. Thank you for his passion for learning, his obsession with all things dangerous and daring, and his quick-witted sense of humor. Thank you for his love of sports, his energy and will to win at any cost, and his sense to keep a running tally of goals scored in his 7 years of life. Thank you for his love of animals, his compassionate heart and forgiving spirit. Thank you for a son that is not afraid to say “I love you, Mom & Dad,” in front of his friends but still hesitates at kissing mom in front of the school yard. Thank you for a son who you have strengthened and prepared to handle some of life’s most crushing blows – I thank you that you knew what he would face and that you have prepared him in such a way that all things will work together for good in his life. Thank you for giving him a little brother after he prayed for one day and night. Thank you for the memories that Jackson has of Drew, for the dreams you give him of his little brother each night, and for the promise of their sweet reunion one day. Thank you for this child that brings so much more to our lives than we could have ever dreamt possible. Thank you for Jackson.

Thank you, Lord, for our precious son, Drew. Thank you so much for the time we had with him. Thank you for allowing me the honor of carrying him for 40 weeks. Thank you for those first kicks, for the way he stretched those long Phillips family legs well into my ribs. Thank you for the way that he brought our family closer than we ever could have imagined. Thank you for a smooth pregnancy and delivery and for allowing us those first peaceful moments with our new baby. Thank you for protecting us from knowing what would come the next day – and in doing so, allowing us to fully immerse ourselves in the moments we had with him. Thank you for how beautiful he was – for allowing us to look into his eyes and capture breathtaking photographs of his first moments in the world. Thank you for taking him home – though we miss him, Lord – we know that your will is far greater than our own and that he is safe in your arms waiting for us to join him. We thank you so much and are eternally grateful for our precious baby. Thank you for Drew.

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5

Thank you for the surprise of our new baby. Thank you for each and every heartbeat, each and every kick, each and every moment. Thank you for teaching us to savor this pregnancy – to hold on and wait on you. Thank you for this little life growing inside of me – thank you for blessing us so much sooner than we had expected and for giving us peace that transcends all understanding as we walk through this again. Thank you for your promises – that in all things you work for the good of those who love you. Thank you for this new life.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:6-7

We are especially thankful to the Lord for all of you. (Yes, you.) Every single one of our friends, family and co-workers..We are blessed to know you and honored that you would take time out of your life to visit our site. We are humbled by your outpouring of friendship and love, and desire to give back to you all that you have given to us and more. God has blessed our lives through each and every one of you and for that, we are forever grateful.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend …. As in water face reflects face, so a man's heart reveals the man.” Proverbs 27:17, 19

We have so much to be thankful for, not only on Thanksgiving, but everyday. May we look around us this season and stop to consider all that we have been blessed with – and may that knowledge inspire us to hold on to what truly matters – to be a better friend, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, son or daughter. May we pour out the blessings that we have received freely upon others so that they, too, would know God’s love, and would be blessed in return.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sweet Dreams

2007-10-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

When Jackson was younger, he would always ask me to sing a certain lullaby to him each night. I sang that same song to him for years, every night without fail. Just recently, the song came to mind and I began to sing it to him. As I sang each word, I thought not only of my precious Jackson - but also of what would have been..and what should have been with Drew. But as I came to the chorus, I lost my composure - as it seems this song was perfectly written with Drew in mind. The words sting when I hear them - for now I hear them as a love song from a heartbroken mother to her beloved son. I still feel all of these same words for Jackson, and it will always be a song that began between him and I. But now, it also has new meaning to me. I miss my son - and have such a strong connection with him still - as though there is a cord between his heart and mine that can never be cut. The song below is now not only my song for my first baby, Jackson..but also to my second baby, Drew.

Godspeed (Dixie Chicks)

Dragon Tales and the water is wide

Pirates sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight Moon will find the mouse

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, sweet dreams

God bless Mommy and matchbox cars

God bless Dad and thanks for the stars

God hears amen wherever we are

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed, Godspeed

Godspeed, sweet dreams

Boys will be boys

2007-10-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

I made pulled bbq pork last night for dinner, a favorite of my husband's. Here is an excerpt from our kitchen conversation last night.

Mike (speaking to me): This meat is really tender. How did you get it to shred like that?
Jessica: The crockpot helped steam it during the day, but it's just the cut of meat.
Mike: What kind of roast is this?
Jessica: Pork butt roast (sidebar, it IS really called that, check your local meat section)
Jackson: Oooh, we're eating butt??
Jessica: No, it's just the name. (not sure about that..)

15 minutes later..

Jackson: Can I please have some more butt?

Imagine my pride. (He won't be repeating that again!)

BIG News

2007-10-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

...WE'RE EXPECTING

We are very surprised, but very excited at the same time. Drew's condition was not genetic, and the doctor's have told us that it would be like hitting the lottery twice for that to happen again...incredibly unlikely. We are told that our odds for having a healthy baby are overwhelming. We are, however, understandably nervous and just want want to fast forward through the rest of the pregnancy. But God is good, and we are just choosing to walk by faith and trust in Him. The baby is doing very well; we have had several ultrasounds to prove it.

It is very surreal to be pregnant with #3 after just having had #2. This baby is due April 7th, 2008...one week before Drew's 1st birthday.

We appreciate your prayers and thoughts during this exciting but scary time.

We hope we have wonderful news to announce come April, and look forward to meeting this new little one with great anticipation.

Summer Fun

2007-09-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

Life doesn't get much better than this! Dad and Jackson making waves on the wave runner in Lake Tahoe.

Come on Dad! Enough pictures, hit the gas!!

Jackson and Jameson enjoying the warm jacuzzi after a swim in the so-called "chilly" heated indoor pool.

It's a race!

Jackson and Jameson spent most of their time at the beach digging a massive hole.

Update

2007-09-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

We have received a lot of complaints in recent weeks that we have not updated our blog - I hadn't even realized how long it had been myself, but since I realize so many of you check in to the site to see how we're doing, I will oblige.

Well, Jackson just started 2nd grade, and as always, he is the joy of our lives and makes life worth living. He is just so much fun to watch grow up. He has such an amazing spirit and strong faith that he challenges Mike and I to strive for that same simple, child-like faith. I often find myself trying to sift through facts, analyze and question God over and over. But Jackson has it absolutely right - I need to loosen my grip and just trust. I will see better if I just let go and close my eyes. Jackson is an incredible blessing in our lives - a reward from God. My mom mentioned to me the other day that she remembers me saying as a new single mom at 19 that I felt like I had been given a gift in spite of screwing up. And it's true. I don't deserve such a gift - but Jackson is one of the absolute greatest treasures that God has given me..knowing how undeserving I am. I look at him..and at life in a whole new light now. I constantly question my choices, my time, my lifestyle..and have realized that at the end of all of this - it won't be about who I knew, what material things I accumulated, or even what I did..what will matter is how I lived. Unfortunately it took a tragedy to change my perspective - but I can't change what happened, and so I am atleast grateful for the renewed sense of what is important.

On that note - we received a call from the cemetery letting us know that Drew's headstone is in place. I was emotionally ready to go before Mike and so I made the short drive by myself..his grave is located in a beautiful cemetery in our area on a hill under an oak tree. It is a beautiful location. My mom had reminded me prior to going to remember that he is not there..he is in Heaven. And although I knew that, it was a good reminder because I had no idea the flood that would come over me as I walked toward the granite headstone bearing his name. It was hard to remember that he wasn't there...and it was overwhelming to sit in front of his grave..and see his full name with his birthday and date of death engraved upon it. It brought all of the memories flooding back. Honestly, there is not one day that goes by that Mike and I don't at least relive some part of the experience..but in this instance everything flooded over me - from the positive pregnancy tests, childbirth classes and finally looking into his eyes to the unthinkable call we would get the next day, and holding his lifeless body. It was an incredibly difficult experience to visit his site...and we continue to have difficult moments... We just miss him terribly.

So, maybe that's not the update you all were hoping for..but it's real nonetheless. We do have good days, and the good days do outweigh the bad. But there are just so many daily reminders of what we have lost that it makes life difficult from time to time. The one saving grace in all of this is our faith..and in the kindness that God has shown us through this time. Words escape me, but I have never known such extravagant love. I know He is carrying us through this and I know that not only will we be reunited with Drew, we will be blessed here on earth as we wait. We already have been, and continue to be. I still don't understand it, and I probably never will on this side of Heaven...but I trust the Lord with all of my heart.

"He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall feebly stumble and fall in exhaust. But those who wait for the Lord shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31

Signs and Wonders

2007-07-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

After Drew died and we held our intimate burial service for him - Mike, Jackson and I took off for a week long vacation. At that point, it didn't matter to any of us where we went - just that we got away together. About 2 days into our trip, Jackson awoke one morning and ran into our room, "Mom, mom! I just saw Heaven!" Not quite understanding what he was talking about, I asked him what he meant. He excitedly continued, "I just saw Heaven - and it's really sunny, Mom! And guess what? Papa Bill is in a rocking chair rocking Drew, Mommy! He is in Heaven, it is soo sunny!" His words immediately gripped my heart. I believe God allowed Jackson a glimpse into Heaven, to bring us some sort of peace that Drew is definitely there and that my Dad was holding him in that moment.

Just weeks later, we were at church..Mike and I were sitting in the same spot that we have for the past several years. And for the third Sunday in a row, this nice man began to ask us about our baby. He had seen me waddling around pregnant over the previous months and had assumed that we had a healthy baby at home. Tired from answering the questions, Mike and I never had a chance to explain to him that our son had died. But that Sunday, as we sat behind him, I decided that if he asked, I had to tell him. I couldn't go on making him think everything was ok. Sure enough, he turned around and said "How's your baby?!" I explained quietly that Drew had died just 24 hours into his life - and I watched the man's face drop in disbelief. The pastor began the service, and the man turned around. But my attention was drawn to him throughout the service as he cried uncontrollably and removed his glasses to wipe his eyes several times. I turned to Mike and told him how horrible I felt that he was so upset over it. Yet, I didn't understand why he would be - he barely knew us at all. As the service ended, he and his wife turned around, and she gripped my hands with both of hers and looked me fiercely in the eyes as she began to explain that her daughter had died when she was 17. Our experience of losing a child had brought back the pain that they had felt over losing their daughter. She told us we would get through it..to focus on the Lord and to trust Him..to look out for His love notes, because He would be sending them. I took that right there as a love note - year after year we had sat near this dear couple - and they had sat near us...neither one of us knowing eachother beyond a hello - but our lives would collide by the loss of our children. Coincidence? No way. It was God, reminding us that we are not alone..placing them in our path, knowing that we would need them.

God has been sending us these love notes everyday. It has been a hard road so far...as the dust settles, the shock wears off and reality grips us hard. No parent ever wants to bury their child, yet we were faced with the unimaginable task of picking out a tiny casket and burial site for our treasured baby boy. But believe it or not, through each day I have been reminded that we are not alone. I could go on and on about the people that I have come into contact with over the last three months - some that I have known or worked with for years, that have suffered the loss of a child..and have only now shared their stories with me. Knowing that we are surrounded by these people - these people that know our pain all too well - reminds me that God still cares, that He is still here and He is still in control.

We realize that the road ahead is going to be a long one, but we do still have eachother...and the promise of seeing Drew again in eternity. We do believe that God has good days for us ahead - that there will be a rainbow after this storm..and that God will bless us as we keep our eyes fixed on Him.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Wishing you and yours peace, comfort and gentle days ahead..

Happy Birthday Reese!

2007-07-31T19:42:00.000-07:00

Our niece Reese just turned 1 year old. We celebrated with a party at Nana's house..

Jackson and Noah warming up poolside.

The Birthday Girl with her Daddy.

Me and Reese.

Make a wish!

I may be shorter, but I am still the big sister.

2007-07-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

SUMMER DAYS

Jackson taking a much needed break in between his deep dives!

Why grab a glass of water when you can just drink from the waterfall like Mike?

Jackson giving me two "I love you" signs as he pretends to drown. Lovely.

That's my kid behind that giant mask!

Tough kid with quite a tough life!

GO RED SOX!!!

2007-07-08T18:05:00.001-07:00

It was almost a no hitter!

2007-07-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

I love this picture!

Bring the Rain - Mercyme

2007-07-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Is the Lord God Almighty

Thank You

2007-05-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Mike and I want to sincerely thank each and every one of our friends, family and acquaintances for all of the love and support you have shown to us through this difficult time in our lives. Although this has been by far the darkest and most painful experience for us, the love that has been shown even through complete strangers has been overwhelming and has served as a light at the end of this tunnel for our family. Words simply cannot express our gratitude.

The past three weeks have been long for us. The pregnancy and birth of our dear son were by far the most joyful times in our life. We were so happy to meet and hold him. The pregnancy was uneventful and healthy, so we had no reason to believe that Drew would be so sick. The delivery was even smooth. When Drew was finally born, we were overcome with emotion and joy. He was beautiful - and he was a dream come true not only for Mike and I - but especially for Jackson. He looked healthy when he was placed on my stomach for a moment and then the nurses took him to a nearby warmer to suction him and swaddle him. He was having some respiratory difficulty - which is exactly what Jackson had shown after birth too - so we weren't worried, and neither were the doctors or nurses. We got to hold him for about 15 minutes or so as a family before the nurse said she wanted to take him to the nursery to give him oxygen for a couple hours. We had no idea that the first time we held our son would be the last time we would hold him alive.

Over the next 24 hours, Drew was transported and several tests were run to determine why his lungs were not oxygenating his blood. During the transition from the womb to the air, Drew's lungs did not kick start as they should have. This is a very rare condition known as Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the newborn (PPHN). The doctors tried everything they could to help Drew's lungs to make the transition, but they ultimately did not succeed as Drew took a turn for the worst the next day and his heart stopped beating. PPHN is so rare that doctors do not even have definitive causes for it. They have ideas of what might contribute, but in Drew's case all of those possible contributors were ruled out. His autopsy revealed that his body was normal and the cause of death is listed as idiopathic PPHN. Idiopathic meaning there is no explanation as to what caused his condition. He just fell within that 1% of babies, unfortunately.

For us, the medical information only further reinforces what we already know to be true. God had planned to take Drew at the day and hour that He did, long before Drew was even conceived. His life was not at all a mistake, and though we ask why - we know that God had a purpose for his life and that Drew fulfilled his purpose within his short time with us. We cling to the hope that we will see him again. This life is like a drop of water compared to what awaits us in eternity. We all have a purpose here, and God knows the number of our days long before we take our first breath. We know that this is not the end. This life is a prelude of what is to come and we will have eternity with Drew in Heaven. We believe that with all of our hearts and know that he is safe with our Heavenly Father.

This does not mean that we don't find ourselves broken and crying out to God - because we do. God does not give explanations though - He gives promises. And we know He loves us and He loves Drew even more than we can imagine. We trust Him in the midst of our despair and our questions and know that He will give us beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.

What Mike and I have come to realize through this is that God, more than anyone else, knows our pain. Not only because He is God, but because He, too, experienced the death of His son. God has so powerfully demonstrated His love for us by reminding us of this truth. Not only did His son die as Drew did - but He GAVE His son's life. If God would have asked me if I would give my son to save even one person, honestly - I would have said no. But He gave His son for all of us. That is a love that I cannot comprehend - a love that absolutely blows my mind...but it shows me the character of my God..of the God that now holds our son in his arms, and calms the storms raging within our hearts.
We have no idea how people survive the death of a child without the Lord, because He is what is carrying us through this.

Drew is forever a part of our family, his pictures - like his big brother's - will adorn our walls and tables as they would if he were here with us. Any children that the Lord blesses us with here after will know that they have a big brother named Drew in Heaven that they will meet one day.
Mine and Mike's job as parents is to make sure our other children here get there too, and to continue to raise them to love Christ.

God is doing big things with Drew's life. And they are not at all limited to our family alone. We have already begun to see the fruit of what our precious baby has accomplished in his short time here.
It is our prayer that God will somehow use Drew's life to bless you and your family - to give you a renewed perspective of what is truly important in this life and to cause you to put love above all else.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16

2007-04-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Praise You in This Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say Amen and it's still raining.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, 'I am with you,' And as your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry, you raised me up again. My strength is almost gone. How can I carry on if I can't find you?

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain, 'I am with you,' And as your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

Drew Michael Phillips

2007-04-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

Drew Michael Phillips came into the world Saturday, April 14 at 2:05pm. He weighed 7lbs 3 oz and was 20.5 inches long. He looked to be the picture of health..and was the spitting image of his Daddy.

Unfortunately, Drew had trouble maintaining his oxygen levels and for some unknown reason, God called Drew home on Sunday April 15th. We are so thankful for the short time we had with him and continue to praise the Lord in spite of our pain. Our hearts are completely broken at this time and we greatly appreciate your love and prayers.

Mike, Jessica & Jackson

Baby Update

2007-04-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

No baby yet! We have officially passed all three due dates given, so my doctor is giving us through this weekend to see if we can go into labor on our own..otherwise he will meet with me Monday to schedule an induction for next week. So there is an end in sight!!

An Attitude of Gratitude

2007-03-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

For anyone that has known me for a good amount of time - they know that where I am today is light years from where I was just years ago. This pregnancy has stirred me in a way that has caused me to reflect back on the decisions I made so flippantly in my early years of college - where it landed me at the time, and where I thought I would be at this point certainly wasn't here. When my life was turned upside down by a series of poor choices, I humbly turned to God and admitted defeat. My way was not working. I had screwed up big time - and for what I had thought would be my life. But, amazingly, through His goodness and mercy - He turned my life around. I kept my eyes and my focus on Him and he blessed me well beyond all I could dare to ask for or think of. When I look back at where I was - the desperation and despair I felt - and see now how His faithfulness and goodness have brought me through, I am overwhelmed. I am so grateful for those years of struggle - I don't believe I would be where I am today if I had not been forced to face such harsh realities and press through them. I am so incredibly grateful for what God has done, and have learned that true happiness is wanting what I have - and I have certainly been given so much more than I deserve through my husband, my son and my healthy baby boy. Success takes on a new meaning to me now. Success is learning from failure - from trusting God in the midst of seemingly hopeless circumstances..believing that He loves me and that His plans for my life are far above and beyond all I could hope for. He is so good!

"You are sunrise, you are blue skies. How would I know the morning, if I knew not midnight? Your light rises, you're the light of a new dawn. So thank you, thank you...for after a long night, you are sunrise.."

Our Baby

2007-02-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures from our 3D ultrasound. My due date has been moved up yet again, he is now expected late March. Look at those chubby cheeks! And he has definitely inherited Dad's full lips!! When the sonographer was looking at the baby in picture 2, he said "Who has the big bottom lip in the family?" To which I laughed and said "Turn around." He took one look at Mike and said "There it is!" He is definitely his father's son. Lucky boy!

More cruise pictures

2007-02-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

Jackson with his Papa, Sisters, my little man and a caribbean sunset...

More cruising fun..

2007-02-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

Cruising while carrying precious cargo..

2007-02-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

We were fortunate enough to be able to take a western caribbean cruise this last January. We visited Belize, Cozumel, Costa Maya and Grand Cayman and had an absolute blast. The weather was beautiful, the beaches pristine and the shopping was great! Traveling at 7 months pregnant was interesting - but it was a welcome break from reality! This vacation marked our last as a family of 3...

A little late, I know..

2007-02-09T20:54:00.000-08:00

What a cute couple!

2007-02-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

Taken back in October during our getaway to the beautiful Oregon coast...

Fearfully and wonderfully made...

2006-11-16T22:42:00.000-08:00

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16

With immense pride and joy, we would like to announce that we are having another boy! We are thrilled and can't wait to meet him. Thank you, Lord - how could we ever ask for more...

The better to kick you with, my dear!
This was the ONLY profile shot our little guy would give us. He turned his head and opened his mouth at the same time, as you can see here. I think he has inherited Dad's cute ski-slope nose!
This one was really neat because we could see the lens of his right eye. AMAZING. He sat facing us for most of the ultrasound.
Hi Grandmas & Grandpas - let the spoiling begin!

VERY proud (and round) Mommy at 19 weeks.

More Fun..

2006-11-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

Time flies when you're having fun!

2006-11-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

We took many trips to Tahoe over the last few months - here are some pictures of Jackson with The Spitz kids in Tahoe and also one of him and Mike enjoying a Giants game..

Surprise Surprise

2006-08-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

While I realize that this picture looks like nothing more than a case of bloating, I must promise you it is much more than that! After one month of trying to conceive and 3 positive pregnancy tests (Mike just couldn't believe our luck after one) we are excited to announce that we are expecting a bundle of joy in April 2007!! Praise God for our little miracle!

Jackson's First Day of 1st Grade

2006-08-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

Here is Jackson excited to enter his new classroom on his first day of 1st grade...

Here is Jackson on that very same day, looking less than enthused that I had the gall to follow him into the classroom and shamelessly snap photos while teary eyed and choked up. The look says it all: "Leave, Mom."